[Callmecrazy]

Thank you Steeve.
The thing is, English is not my first language. I also have a Master’s degree, I’m intermmediate in French, I’m literate and do well in math. I have always worked hard and fair for my company which is a government run company and one of the best paying ones in the country. Elections come, political parties change, they install their own people in companies such as mine, the end result is me having a boss that is half illiterate, a bully, probably a domestic abuser, has never seen the outside world and doesn’t have half of my qualifications. While I have been working and learning and growing to become a better person and proffesional, he has been scheming. At some point, I gave up. I felt God had forsaken me. I tried so hard and all I got was misery and bullying.

This is when I went downhill and turned to gambling for comfort and, stupidly (I know), for hope. To win something finally for myself.

[Callmecrazy]

So, I made it through day 2. I worked my horses again in the afternoon and had a nice bath.

During one of my gambling frenzies when I was on the up cycle and had actually managed to make a withdrawal, in between spins, and I don’t know how this brilliant idea popped in my head, I decided to rush to the store and stock up on hygiene and beauty products. I must have bought 200 euro worth of hair shampoo, conditioner, bath salts, shower gels, parfume, foot cream, nail cream, toothpaste, face cream, skin cream, mascara, foot cream, body lotion… you name it!

I might be lost, broke and broken but I have the means to smell like a million dollars for the next couple of months. How this spurr of the moment sheer brilliance came to mind I will never understand. More so, it was pure miracle I managed to unlock my eyes from the computer spinning away, and actually drive myself to the store.

Later I lost 2400 euros of my winnings and an additional 1400 euros of my own loan money spinning a slot machine on a 0,10 to 0,45 bet with a maximum win from bonus rounds of 175 euros. That is downright theft. I don’t care how much we are to be blamed ourselves for the gambling we have done but this is stealing. Sorry, gambling industry, this is beyond immoral. I’m not giving you anymore money. Never again!

Now I’m popping my anti – anxiety pill to reteach my brain the feeling of relaxation,watching some crime show on YouTube and hopefully falling asleep.

[Callmecrazy]

My triggers

1. Abuse and bullying I live in an extremely abusive, toxic and corrupt country. I have been bullied at work to the point of almost being raped. At this point I had started a serious gambling binge to escape emotionally. I have since found a way to remove myself from the environment but I had to accept a lower ranking and a lower paying job which I’m still struggling to accept. I feel a deep rooted disgust for the system and cannot accept the unfairness of it all.

2. Debt, gambling losses and money issues This is now my number one trigger. Due to number one I have fallen into number two.

3. The unfairness of life and being single For reasons beyond my understanding, I have been cursed with an inability to find a suitable partner. As a result I have all this repressed and built up feminity and sexuality that I have nowhere to release. I’m burning inside, yet there is no outlet for me. Sex for sex itself does not work. I ‘ve tried.

4. Boredom with work and the absence of challenges

5. Not having the patience to preservere for 5 yrs until I pay off my debts

6. Living a meaningless existence while deep down I’m so full of life and emotion

[Callmecrazy]

Hi Rock, I know exactly what my triggers are.

1. Abuse and bullying

I live in an extremely abusive, toxic and corrupt country. I have been bullied at work to the point of almost being raped. At this point I had started a serious gambling binge to escape emotionally. I have since found a way to remove myself from the environment but I had to accept a lower ranking and a lower paying job which I’m still struggling to accept. I feel a deep rooted disgust for the system and cannot accept the unfairness of it all.

2. Debt, gambling losses and money issues

This is now my number one trigger. Due to number one I have fallen into number two.

3. The unfairness of life and being single For reasons beyond my understanding, I have been cursed with an inability to find a suitable partner. As a result I have all this repressed and built up feminity and sexuality that I have nowhere to release. I’m burning inside, yet there is no outlet for me. Sex for sex itself does not work. I ‘ve tried.

4. Boredom with work and the absence of challenges

5. Not having the patience to preservere for 5 yrs until I pay off my debts

6. Living a meaningless existence while deep down I’m so full of life and emotion

[Callmecrazy]

My parents are delighted with the meal I cooked. The sheer pleasure of eating someone else’s receipe made their Sunday. I look at them and think how small things make a person happy. I wish I was them. I’m so screwed up right now.

[Callmecrazy]

2, 5 hrs later I’ve cooked an entire meal for my elderly parents. The urges are gone. Getting physical seems to work. Now I’m going to enjoy the lunch I made which I haven’t done in a long time. I was always to busy spinning. Can you imagine that? Not being able to take the time to sit down for a meal. Not looking at what was on the plate. Shoving food down the mouth just to get it over with, all the while focusing on the next turn of the wheel.

[Callmecrazy]

The urges are starting to kick in. They appear in the form of a vision of a slot giving bonus rounds accompanied with music. I feel the rush and the excitement. I know it’s an illusion. I’m going to go clean house till they subside. I will not give in. My barriers are in place.

[Callmecrazy]

If I make it through today this will be my first gamble free weekend in a very long time. It’s a small step but I will make it.

[Callmecrazy]

I find mornings to be the worst. But here I am at the start of my day 2. What do I feel? Regret, wishing time could be turned back, anger with life, hatered towards the gambling industry, worries and tiredness. I’ll try to repeat yesterday’s drill. Rest, sleep and doing something with my horse.

[Callmecrazy]

The only advice I can give, and I know this for a fact, is that you need to not chase the winnings you had lost. They’re gone. Chasing them will throw you deeper into debt and desperation.
You need to self-exclude from that specific casino that gave you the winnings as this will help you let go.

What you have experienced, your win of 12000, is nothing more than the devil luring you into a life of misery and debt. It is and has been an illusion. It is imperative that you not gamble again. The fact that your brain has experienced the rush of such a big win makes it impossible for you to play anymore for small amounts which pretty much means you have skipped the first few stages of a growing gambling addiction. You have been torpedoed rapidly into the final stage and continuing to gamble at this point equals a fast, downhill descent into misery.

What you can do right now is rest and let your worries go, just for today. There is always a window open for you, you might not be seeing it right now. But I guarantee you there is. Once you see it, use it to make your daily life easier. It might come in the form of a possible bank loan, a parent or friend willing to help, a counseler or a new better paying job. Your window might be anything.

Be easy on yourself. Just for today.

[Callmecrazy]

I do the same. Gamble only for 20 because maybe I’ll win back what I have spent and then everything will be okay.

It won’t.

The path usually takes me the same route. 20 doesn’t even give me bonus rounds. Then I deposit another 20 because I love bonus rounds. Who doesn’t? That doesn’t go well either. Before I know it I’m shoving down hundreds. Chasing. When I’m depleted financially and mentaly, exhausted and desperate, I deposit my last twenty and play the lowest bet possible. I don’t even know why at this point. Guess what? Bonus rounds! Amount of winnings from bonus rounds = 6,5 $.

It’s crazy! The machine had just takem my money, my sanity AND my soul.

I know we are to be blamed ourselves but the gambling industry is one huge big fraud. They’re greed and all they do is take in the most manipulative of ways. It’s time to not give them anything ANYMORE.

[Callmecrazy]

Also, Steeve, a special thank you to you. You’re so kind and compassionate. Telling me to be gentle towards myself is so very caring and touching. Thank you for your ways.

[Callmecrazy]

Monica, I know there are people worse off than I am. I have been reading your thread, you’re an inspiration. You are incredibly strong at the toughest of times. In you I found many similiarities to myself. I am a very non- controlling person and share the same attitude towards money. I give it freely to people in need especially if the person happens to be family. We’re also both Sagittarius and this is exactly the people we are.

Bonnie, great to hear you’re healthier and the pain is gone. I smoke cigarettes which too has gotten out of control as my gambling has progressed. It’s not something I can deal with right now but I will eventually. My anxieties have gone through my heart my whole life, either by skipping beats or having pain. I have seen doctors and done tests and everything always seems fine so I’m not too worried. Despite my gambling I think I’m in shape and as avid tennis player I’m still able to go through 2 hrs of a singles match. Hopefully what I have done to myself will improve with rest and staying gamble free.

Emma, you’re absolutely right and your advice is golden. I slept through the afternoon then read your post and pushed myself out of the house to go work with my horses. I have two horses and they’re my true niche, my life passion and my love. Gambling has tried to push me away from them and even though it has been sucessful to an extent, I will not alow it anymore. I felt great. A beautiful spring even and the huge dark eyes gazing at me. Those animals love me and I adore them, what the hell have I been thinking??? Where have I gone to? I know how to talk to them, how to connect with them, why have I been gambling non – stop? I know why, but that’s a whole other topic. Anyway, now that I’m home after working with them I feel much much better. My house needs cleaning too. Tomorrow morning I’m going to take your advice to the T. For now I’m going to pop another anxiety pill, watch something I like, not worry about money and try to further rest and sleep.

That’s from me now on my first gamble free day after a huge gambling binge that has lasted a year and had cost 50 k.

[Callmecrazy]

I have heart pain. It’s not the heart attack type of pain but it’s the pain from feeling overwhelmed. I decided to rest and sleep so I took a sleeping pill and will hopefully doze off for a few hours. I don’t know what else to do to get to a better place.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m a mess but will go out and do the activities that make me happy and then try to sleep and rest.

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