[Callmecrazy]

This is a very good idea. I’ll try to substitute every wave with watching some funny short clip on YouTube. An urge = laughter.

I made it through last night mostly by shutting myself down and going to sleep through use of meds. Today I feel tired and have a headache which I ‘ve been having the past week. I dreamt of waking up to wondering how much money I lost last night. I felt relieved when I figured out I hadn’t gambled at all. I feel pretty shitty but I guess it’s still better than being dead due to gambling. I’ ll try to sleep and rest most of the day today. What else is there to do with a pounding headache? As far as my finances go, the only remedy is time and my job, so whatever makes time pass faster is good, I hope.

[Callmecrazy]

By not doing anything about my urges, I’m starting to understand they’re like waves. They come and they go.

[Callmecrazy]

You NEED to stop to live. Period.

[Callmecrazy]

It’s friday evening and this would be my favorite time to gamble so I’m having some pretty strong thoughts and urges. It would start innocent and small, “just for fun”. As soon as I would lose my first deposit, I would deposit more and start playing on bigger bets. That would lead to more deposits. I always had a problem with quitting a certain slot. I want to play another one, but I can’t quit the one I’m playing. Saturday mornings I would wake up feeling pretty bad about the amount of money I lost. 20 minutes later I would be depositing again to chase what I had lost the night before. Before I know it, my weekend would have been over, I would have lost tons of money, I would have hardly gotten outside and my head would be pounding. I am not going to do this to myself this weekend. I’m opting for a anti – anxiety pill and finding a movie to watch. Hopefully tomorrow I will be waking up fresh with 7 days free of gambling behind me.

[Callmecrazy]

I really wish I had some great advice to give but I don’t. However, I have faith there is a way out for you. Just think of your resoucefulness. It takes brains to think of jail as a way out. I know you don’t want to burden your family but some of them might be really worried about you and perhaps would like to help. Desperate times call for desperate measures and you might suprise yourself with the extra mile some might be willing to go for you. All I can say is, hang in there, just BE for today.

[Callmecrazy]

Some of the richest people are deeply unhappy. It’s not all about money. Think of Robin Williams.

[Callmecrazy]

I ‘m staying away from gambling even though I still feel pretty bad. At least I don’t have the feelings of desperation, nausea, restlessness, the need to write down every single move I’ ve made. Life isn’t all about money. Who cares about the debts. I’ll pay them off somehow.

[Callmecrazy]

My gambling had gotten so progressively bad that I would gamble away my monthly salary in 2 days time not even getting around to paying bills first. Even though my life currently sucks, gambling away my salary is not going to make it better which is why I cannot do it anymore.
And I cannot gamble “just a little bit” as I cannot stop even if I were to “win”, which I most probably (99,9%) would not.
Future me, trust me, everything is going to be okay.

[Callmecrazy]

Staying gamble free even through I’m feeling stressed out about life. I’m keeping faith that everything will turn out okay as long as I stay away from gambling.

[Callmecrazy]

Good job! Keep up the good work. Another day, another dollar saved!

[Callmecrazy]

I cannot escape into gambling so I’m stuck with all sorts of ugly feelings:
– how could I lose control so much?
– when people lose control in such a way do they die?
– will things ever get better for me? Will things ever change? will I ever find a better job? Fall in love?
– why doesn’t anything ever change for the better?
– how long can I cope with a job where 8hr seems like 16hrs?
Urgh.

Emma, the advice on selling things is great. I’m going to do that when I get better.

[Callmecrazy]

Having urges to gamble.
All the triggers are about having a fantasy in my mind about winning and making life more financially tolerable. I know it’s an illusion. I will only end up loosing more and feeling more depressed and desperate. Therefore, I will not gamble today and will have faith my financial issues will somehow turn out okay.

[Callmecrazy]

Hi Emma,

I just read your thread. Congrats on day 3!

We’re almost there and we won’t blow it. Stay away from the Tab button because there is nothing there other than misery. If gambling wasn’t there to rob us of our money half of us wouldn’t be here. We would be reading stories of success of unexpected wealth, resolved financial issues, new homes being built, elderly parents taken care of etc. Stay strong!

[Callmecrazy]

I made it through but felt high anxiety. I have this male colleague who is sort of hot and cold with me but for whom I feel an attraction for. I prefer to avoid him altogether but today I bumped into him. Immediately all my supressed emotions came out. He’s the representation of all my supressed desires for love, bond and connection, as well as unresolved issues about accepting things I cannot have. I hate this attraction I feel, makes me feel like a teenage girl drooling over the hottest guy in school. It’s so shameful. I’m such a sucker. I need to get better, bring myself to a better place and start job searching again which is hard as good jobs are so scarce.

Anway, on my way to being gamble free third day in a row.

For now it’s rest, sleep, relaxation and an anti – anxiety pill for the afternoon. It’s a cold, windy and rainy day which is the perfect ambience for exactly that.

[Callmecrazy]

I see a therapist once a month. I love her. I can’t afford more sessions right now. That I am able to write all this is in fact the progress we’ve made. That I have surrendered to the abusive situation that I can not change is also progress. It took me a long time to accept that I have every right to be angry. But it is what it is, I can’t change it. I ‘ve surrendered my fight, everything but the strive to be a better person intellectualy therefore I still study French. It’ s part of who I am.

[Author]

Posts