[Callmecrazy]

Today was terrible. I felt like a dark cloud had seized me. I was severely depressed, tired as hell and with a pounding headache. I wanted to gamble sooo bad. And I did try but couldn’t. You know why? I had all my barriers in place. I excluded from so many casinos I could hardly find one I could sign up for. Once I did sign up for one, I couldn’t use my Mastercard to make a deposit because I had scratched off the CVC numbers on the back of the card.

So, I’m 18 days gamble free. Today my barriers did the work for me, not my willpower.

[Callmecrazy]

A quick update. I have been busy with work and under tons of stress. I’m on my day 16 gamble free. Last time around, I relapsed on day 15. Looking forward to another week.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m having a hectic time at work but in a way I feel liberated and strong. Because I have lost so much to gambling I’m feeling a sense of freedom as if I have nothing more to lose. I already lost everything. I don’t care anymore. They give me these silly ultimatums at work, threaten me and I just don’t care. I stand my ground. I also don’t have the urge or need to punish myself for their behavior. I’m willling to fight until my last breath. Kill or be killed. Let it be. 

[Callmecrazy]

One of the best things to do is to write it off as a bad business investment and move on.
Do you know how many people lost much more than that investing into a business? Into a car wash, a software company, real estate, a trucking business etc? The solution might be looking at it from another angle. To wrong thing to do is to continue betting.

[Callmecrazy]

I’m feeling suprisingly calm and hopeful. I have no urge to gamble and no desire either. Infact, gambling disgusts me. It’s one huge scam to take your money. So… doing well!

[Callmecrazy]

I can’t afford to increase the time with my cousellor. I wish I could. I wish I had spent the money on her rather than on gambling. But I didn’t and there is no turning back time.

Infact, I’m willling to bet a gamblers dream isn’t to win a jackpot, but to be able to turn back time. 

[Callmecrazy]

Thank you for your post, advice, your kind words and help.

When I broke up with that boyfriend was about the time I started councelling. I started gambling while I was with him, through a friend that introduced me to the gambling world. The relationship I had with that boyfriend was toxic and I’m glad he ‘s out of my life. I’m sure he is wrecking havoc to his current wife, but I don’t really care. I was devestated after the break-up, but not because of him, but due to all the insults and rejection I recieved from him. I had to work through all those and I did. The result is I can’t stand abuse. Neither psychological nor verbal nor emotional. I’m not abusive towards others and I expect the same towards me. Which is what brings me to my current problem. The abuse at my workplace is what got me to my current mess. It’s not only the workplace that is abusive, the whole country is toxic. Imagine living in a place where no crime is ever punished and, more often than not, rewarded. Neither murder nor rape nor bullying nor theft. It’s the injustice of the place that I cannot gulp down. I have since removed myself from direct influence of my abuser, but I had to accept a lower in rank and a less paid position. What I have worked for all my life career wise, all gone. So people that can neither write nor spell nor add and subtract can be in power. This is where my gambling has spiraled out of control. I wanted to win something for myself. But there is no winning with gambling. Everything else since then has been me trying to control the damage which in turn lead me to more gambling and debt.  The bottom line is, I have to make peace with the injustices of the world and learn to take the abuse as a compensation for my salary. Accepting and crying my eyes out would be a much better answer than escaping into slot machines. I would love to learn to cry again.

(Because I said this, God please don’t kill my horse) 

[Callmecrazy]

I think you might be right. Last time I remember crying was 10 yrs ago when I broke up with my boyfriend, which was about the time I started gambling.

[Callmecrazy]

Thanks Vera and Liz!

Crying is the only thing I can’t do. I haven’t cried in a decade or so.

Steeve, your posts are always soothing. Thank you too.

I’m glad I grew as a person and am able to relapse and post here about my relapse. The old me would have dissapeared due to shame and disgust.

But here I am, fighting the fight, on day 1 again.

Maybe someday when I’m through with this I’ll be able to help, comfort and give advice to people that don’t speak English but are struggling with this that are from my own country.

[Callmecrazy]

Day 1 passed rather well. I wasn’t as depressed as I thought I would be.
I already found some gold jewelry to sell and already made a sale of some horse tack,so things are good for day 1. I don’t really care about gold so I’m okay with that. My horses are what I care about. Also, my house is clogged with items I don’t need or care for so not only is selling good for my finances but it’s feng-shui for my living quarters too. For the next couple of days, weeks, depending on how much energy I have, I will try to bring my debts down from selling stuff. And books, yes! I have tons od those. I used to read like crazy and loved it! Where in the hell did I lose that part of me?

[Callmecrazy]

I’m feeling suprisingly calm. Glad my mind doesn’t have to weigh between not gambling anymore and giving it another try. “Only one good bonus round will save me” – but the bonus round never comes.
Game of Thrones final season starts in less than 48 hrs. I’m so excited. I recommend watching this if you are a gambler who seeks thrills. It’s a great show. The best thing ever made on screen.
Talking to a friend about her financial issues, and she’s not a gambler, also made me feel a little at ease. I’m not stuck in this alone. We’ll make it. Both of us.

[Callmecrazy]

The only thing that gives me hope is that everytime during my binge I actually do manage to stop before I pass my point of not being able to juggle my finances around for the month. Subconciously I’m still ingrained to survive.

[Callmecrazy]

As I predicted, this morning is awful. I’m stuck between a pounding headache and dark depression.

The good thing is my Maestro card is now blocked and a new one is on it’s way. Asking a friend to scratch of the CVC numbers will be a serious barrier.

There is no GA where I live and even if there was I wouldn’t trust it. The system is extremely corrupt and everything is about survival and fending for oneself. Which reminds me of an anegdote. Somewhere in January I figured out my gambling had gotten so out of hand I needed to seek help. So I called one of those numbers advertised as a number to call. It’s organised and paid by the government, as is everything here where I live. I dial the number and give a brief introduction about my problem. A rude woman tells me to call in 15 minutes as she has too much work now. I call in 30 minutes, line is busy. About 3 hours later, I manage to reach the number again. Another woman picks up, arrogant and rude again. I go through the whole introduction again explaining my problem and the woman answers “so, that is what you want!” Duh!!! What did she think I was calling for? To chat? They’re supposed to be a helpline. She tells me that I need to call tomorrow again and ask for doctor so and so. By this time, I decide to give up and not call again. The thing is, the government uses tax payers money to employ relatives, friends, children etc of the people in power. They’re all unequiped and uneducated for the positions they hold and all they care about is power struggles at their workplace. The two women that had answered the phone have no idea how difficult it is and how much courage it takes for an addict to pick up the phone and ask for help.

I can only imagine the struggles gambling addicts go through that don’t speak English to seek help elsewhere. Gambling addiction is practically a no topic here, yet gambling joints are EVERYWHERE.

I’m going to try and sleep today as much as I can. I need to find things to sell.

[Callmecrazy]

Keeping cards in my office is helping me.

[Callmecrazy]

So, I’m back to square one. I have been here a month ago :
– I’m trembling and can’t sleep
– I gambled my salary away, took me 2 todays
– Some casinos I have no defences against

OMG, I just thought of a solution! I have to report my Maestro card missing and once I get a new one, I have to ask a friend to scratch of the CVC numbers, just like I did with my Mastercard.

Why didn’t I think of this before??

Geez!

Even though the solution is obvious and easy, the gambling me hid the solution from the normal me into the subconcious. This addiction is a nasty trickster.

I’m now only one hour gamble free and distraught as hell, so I’ll probably be writing here every little dumb thought that comes to mind.

– Waking up tomorrow is going to be hell

[Author]

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