[Callmecrazy]

Day 7.
Dealing with a ton of anxiety. Have been trying to rest a bit but can’t. Both my friend and my therapist keep on telling me I have a lot happening at once and that “all this too shall pass”.

[Callmecrazy]

End od day 6. I have no desire to gamble whatsoever. My only desire is to live a normal life but I’m afraid it might be too late. I’m so messed up right now. Feeling very inadequate and worthless. I pray that God gives me a better day tomorrow. That I find feelings of hope and positivity and the motivation and energy to seek a new job.

[Callmecrazy]

Feel awful today. The stress, worry and anxiety is too much for me. Looking back, this is how I always thought I would end up. Being the youngest and having two difficult parents whose apsurd emotional needs I always had to cater to whilst no one ever cared for me, I’m not sure I ever stood a chance. If I wasn’t such a sensitive child and now a sensitive adult, things could have been different for me. I might have had enough ego and self-care to break off and become something. I might have had enough love for myself to find a partner and enough love for myself to say “no” to gambling. I feel so horrible today and want to die. I’m a person who worries way too much. Even if down the rabbit whole, no one should worry so much. So what if my creditors call me tomorrow? So what if I can’t make their payments? Why must I worry so much??

[Callmecrazy]

The best advice I got concerning losses is to write them off as bad investments. A part of life. Start remembering the event as though you bought a car delearship or a kiosk or anything which you though was going to flourish but instead it went downhill. It’s much easier to let go. It was a buisness transaction that went wrong and that’s all. Forget about it. The money is really the easiest thing to let go of. It’s the escapism and changing the way we handle anxiety, sensitivity, worry and uncertainty which is the hard part.

My day 4 was slightly better than my previous 3 days. I had lots of feelings of shame and guilt. I don’t know which is worse, when the worry hits or when the shame and guilt hits. I seem to be stuck in these three emotions. I did have a feeling of positivity arise today when thinking of selling some assets and moving location and country.

I also worked today and earned my 35 euros. I work tutoring jobs now. Tomorrow I have 45 euros worth of tutoring work. God is obviously providing for me, I thank him for it and, please God, don’t stop and forget about me.

[Callmecrazy]

Woke up feeling slightly better. The antidepressants I’ve been given by my therapist seem to be working. This is my third try with various medication. Started thinking about moving and starting my life anew at a different place and country. Somewhere where there is more sun and less winter. Somewhere less stressful, more friendly and peaceful. That’s a nice thought right now. I’ve inherited assets and I just might be able to pull it off. I’m 44 so still young enough. Meanwhile, I do need cash right now. I do have some tutoring work today and tomorrow. Pray to God there will be more.

[Callmecrazy]

Yes, I’m on a very long and narrow road.
Today is my day 3 of being gamble free. I heard someone once say “if you can make it 3 days, you can make it 14 days, and if you can make it 14 days, you can make it 28, and if you can make it 28, you can make it a year.” So…kudos to me to for day 3, I guess.
Unfortunately, my anxiety is insane but I made 45 euros today and immediately deposited them into my account which is in overdraft. I have the same amount of tutoring jobs lined up for Saturday too, so I will continue to trust in God that he WILL provide for me.

[Callmecrazy]

Another day of extreme worry, fatigue and demotivation. I don’t understand myself, I’m pennyless but my assets are worth 10 x my debt. Still, I’m paralyzed with worry! It’s worry, dread, worry, dread…all day, all night!

[Callmecrazy]

I’m going to try to get some sleep now, so I can excel at my tutoring job and earn the 45 euros. I had 30 come in yesterday, have 45 planned for today and 35 euros for tomorrow. 110 euros in three days is not bad. I trust God will provide. With this thought, I’m going to try and sleep now.

[Callmecrazy]

Was able to sleep only 6 hours. Good thing is I got another tutoring gig for today and will make 45 euros if all goes well. I am extremely anxious. Tonight I am having reoccuring thoughts of the wickedness of my sister with whom I now share property. I have cut all contact and do not wish to have her in my life. Unfortunately, I now share inheritence issues with her. She would love to know about my problem and she already has some insight into it. Back in the days when I didn’t fully understand my father and who he was, I made the mistake of coming to him for help and support. Turns out he told every neighbour. In my immediate family, which now includes two other living cousins and an aunt, I was the youngest and a late child. I never got to be the baby of the family, rather, I became the one to fix everyone’s problems. Somewhere down the line, I broke and became a compulsive gambler. Should I have told everyone “no”? Yes, but I was too young to know better. I’m sharing my thoughts because I blame myself and am unable to treat myself with kidness. The fact of the matter was, I had an abusive father, and a mother that needed protection. I couldn’t bare to leave her at his mercy, so I stayed in a shitty job, lived on the third floor of my parent’s house and spent my free time being hyper-intunned and hyper-vigilant to every sound should I hear some type of commotion downstairs or a full blown rage attack that I needed to come down and resolve. For someone going through this day in day out, I would have sympath and gentleness. But not for myself.

[Callmecrazy]

It’s 9 pm, I made it through the day and pocketed some money. I still feel awful and depressed. My mother passed this January and so did my father. I lost my job after 18.5 years of hard work. I have nobody and nobody ever offered to help me. It was always me taking care of other people’s needs. Now I’m alone. I’m so used to no one ever caring. I can’t say I’m a wasted life since I did care for my mother with dementia till her dying breath and my father who wasn’t the easiest and best of people.
I’m not gambling and have no wish to. I self-excluded, so I wouldn’t be able to either.
My wish for tomorrow is for God to lead me out of this mental state I’m in, to give me the energy and motivation I need to start job hunting and to fill me with hope.
Dear God, give me the strenght to send out a few resumes tomorrow. That’s all I ask.

[Callmecrazy]

Just got a tutoring gig for today. I’ll make 30 euros. I’ll deposit the money into my overdrafted account as soon as I recieve it. I also self-excluded from my online gambling account yesterday. I still feel overwhelmed, desperate, depressed and burned out. I also feel paralyzed.

I have never been the type of person to not think ahead. This makes living a day at a time very anxiety provoking. But there is nothing I can do. I must think of only today and have hope.

[Callmecrazy]

I feel your pain. There is nothing worse than hitting a big win and then gambling it away. As I type, I can feel the adrenaline rush from the win and the desperaton as it starts to fade away. You are not alone. I’ve been there and believe many others have too. The gambling industry is a scam. There isn’t anyone out there walking away with a huge max bet jackpot cashout. You first have to be a compulsive gambler to bet max, and by the time you become one, you’re not walking away with any winnings.

[Callmecrazy]

Felt horrible yesterday. I hope today for a less anxious day. One day at a time.

[Callmecrazy]

Day 1
Relapse.
Lost everything as always.
I’m the only gambler that never wins but is hooked anyway.

[Callmecrazy]

When I get like that I feel like I’m beyond seeking help. Even my therapist (bless her heart) tells me to call her immediately but I never do.
I’m okay now. Maybe I’ll make it to chat. Thnx.

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