Good day jurhen2 Thank you for creating this journal man i relate to alot to what you have written. I had been down that same road with gambling roulette the part where you say you knew where you were heading yet you kept on walking to the place…. man i experience the same lost all the money except money to travel back home. Thinking hard about where i am gonna get money for the week to buy food travel and pay bills. After 5 yrs bro i quit on the 06 dec 2019. You can read my journal. Anyways this habit had plague me over and over relapses kicking myself when i lost money fighting with myself alone screaming cursing out in the car like a mad man while i was driving.
Similiar to you i crash my vehicle a month before i actually stop gambling. I lost $6000. The day before i decided enough is enough no more. I woke up the next day 6/12/19 sat down behind my computer and typed in “gambling therapy.org” and read people testimonies for about three hours. Rewiring my mind. I am now 40 days GF. I lost my wife and son because of this habit. Now i am living mybest life now. Brother once you made up your mind to seek help for this habit seek support and encouragement. If there is any GA meetings you should attend. Fri 10 jan 2020 was my first GA meeting. It was very positive. I found a good community of people to relate to. I am also seeking therapy. I am now in control my own finances. I know i said before i am going keep on going on my path of recovery and rediscovering my self worth. Brother continue to seek counsel get help. Read the forum postings and you keep on posting your progress. Welcome to a new chapter of your life man.