Thank you both Vera and Velvet. Your comments have given me a bit of strength and understanding again. I have lost sight of that by being “befuddled” (thanks for that word Velvet, I love that) and love and my caring heart does get in the way of forgetting some of the horrible behaviours of my cg.
However, my eyes are open again (and very puffy from all the crying I have done recently ) but I know the only way to protect myself is to actually do it. and that means to stay strong, stay out of my cg’s way and NEVER be fooled again.
I know there are more difficult times ahead as my cg is unpredictable, He may take court action and attempt contact via the courts with our daughter or he may just be threatening this and not to do anything at all. Either way I am not in control of his actions and I can only prepare myself for more stress but with support again, I will get stronger too.
I don’t know who my ex is anymore. I never imagined that he would do and say the things he has.But it really helps Vera to have your comments about how deceitful and manipulative CG’s can be as whilst this is one part of who he is, it is the most active and damaging and there are no winners from the behaviour he displays. Just that clear message, you once told me, going down the hill in the car – with the brakes on – and the only way to protect you and your children – is to pull yourself from that car before it crashes with you in it.
I don’t want to be even near the car crash again, This addiction has exhausted me and took so much of my energy and tears that I am not ready to have no contact at all with my ex. I wasnt ready before but I know now that I want to recover. I can only do that with no contact at all from him. He is like a dark cloud hanging around my neck and each time I thought the sun was coming through and we had made some progress, the cloud just got heavier again and shut those rays out. And it’s a tiring and emotional game.
I really want no part of it as you are right, What is in it for me?
He isn’t ready to be the father he needs to be for the kids, he is still looking out for himself and his needs above all else and financially I had to get a court order for Child Maintenance, otherwise I would not have had any money for our daughter. So right now, all I am getting is the negatives of stress and tears but also a lot of guessing, suspicion and lies, which I do not need to have in my life anymore.
And I am a bit fragile just now due to dealing with grief and perhaps my weakness is a strength to the cg who needs things from me.
I know that nobody is judging me on this site as people really understand. It is friends and family who dont but they have not lived it and I guess they are just protective as they have watched me get hurt. It just is sooo difficult at times. To see the ‘beast’take over someone and change them so much that it breaks your heart because you can never have imagined that the man you loved, could be that way and that his addiction could be more attractive than you. It is like an affair, an affair with the bookies, being cheated on, lies and suspicion but with huge financial effects and an emotional damage to me and my children.
But now I have to fully recover. My children too. And be prepared for what happens next. For this forum, I will always be grateful as my posts and reply keep me stronger – a little again, day by day.
I cry as I write this post but my tears are going to help me cope. as well as the help from those who understand.
Thank you so much.