It is interesting that often, the most significant sentence in a post is the poster’s first. Here’s yours:
“It’s been a roller coaster ride and in hindsight I can’t believe what an absolute idiot I’ve been.”
In hindsight – as we don’t stop to think about things when we are in the pull of gambling.
The thing is that you KNOW you have a gambling problem. You KNOW that it is doing you harm and yet you still go on gambling. Idiotic – maybe, but I guess that gambling is wired into your brain as your way of dealing with “stuff” – that stuff is the emotions that you have difficulty dealing with – which includes (from reading your post) anger.
So you now know that anger is a trigger for you and will inevitably pull you back to gambling – can you defy the pull?
Great that you have self – excluded but from your post I can see that you are already thinking of ways around that. There is a large part of you that wants to continue gambling and that is the problem – we are trying to control another part of ourselves – our self-destructive behaviour.
This can’t be done alone. You see in a 50/50 situation – sometimes we will control our gambling but at other times we won’t and that is when the damage is done. In order to stay stopped you will need others to support you. In the first instance – others who are going through it or have passed through which you will find in GA or other gambling help groups and forums (chat on here or at Gamcare if you are in the UK.)
If you can enable it and if your partner is willing – then there are resources here and support from GAMANON and similar groups for family support (and individual support for her in living with a compulsive gambler.) I would also suggest that you look at counselling to look at less destructive ways for you to deal with your emotions – so that when you are triggered by them, you can resist gambling by having a constructive alternative. When I am triggered by anger I take myself away from the situation and walk it out – walk for a long period until the “red mist” vanishes and I can think more clearly. I do ensure I try and walk in a countryside area and not near pubs or arcades!!
So I am not going to wish you luck – rather wish you the strength to reach out to others and get the support that you need. Take care.