Alison, you have made the right decision to come here. I understand your pain and guilt for not being able to do what you could for your son. Gambling and money are never the real reasons we gamble. We turn to gambling to satisfy the void, the pain of our situation and sometimes not being understood and hope that the illusion of gambling with one foul swoop will take us out and give us the power to make the choices we want. But it doesn’t happen that way. In fact gambling controls you and robs you of everything; your self worth, your kindness, your honesty, your joy.
I became addictive with online gambling too which was so easy to do and could not get out. Money burnt in my hand and I would sacrifice all my time, money for bills and eventually all my salary to feed my habit and urge for gambling.
I have found that taking my focus off myself and me and focusing on others gave me focus and a better perspective on life. Your little boy needs you. He should be your focus. Don’t waste time and years and loss of dignity on gambling. I couldn’t stop or help myself for 20 years and only now managing to take control of my life by doing simple, normal things that matter and learning to be content and deal with my situation and massive debt. That scared nervous little girl inside you will always urge you to gamble to get rid of your situation and try to make things right quickly. But that little girl is not responsible and your adult self needs to silence her and speak to her so that you as the adult take control to manage your finances.
It is not easy and we have a mountain that faces us. But with God’s love and strength we can slowly get there and gain back our self esteem and chip away at our debt and feel more happy within ourselves and start enjoying life again.
Don’t beat yourself up, Alison. It is done and you are where you are. Be kind to yourself. Guilt and remorse will only make things worst. You have made a start. Move on and put it all behind you and don’t focus on that mountain. Just focus on each day only and replace it with good things, even chores around the house, reading or playing with your little boy.
I pray that the fundraising will be successful and you will achieve your target. That is in itself will help you towards your goal. I have also joined a charity race to raise funds for disadvantaged children and that resets your compass inside.
Stay strong and focused but just get up, brush it off and move on when you do fall or get down but don’t dwell on it or give it more attention than it deserves. Learn to love yourself again.
God bless and lots of love.
Lauren
xxx