Its 05.30 just been to work just to find out I’m not required again. I was hopeful at the start of this week that I would have 3 days at the bakery, including a bank holiday, and three at my old job. The wage from this week would have finally seen off the financial backlash of my final gambling binge, but it hasn’t happened. Its possible I’ll get work on Sunday at my old job and am at the bakery Saturday morning. But if not it means next week my pay won’t cover my outgoings yet again.
Today I’ve been paid £360 and I still have the £100 from Wednesday, if I am to pay all I should today I will be left with £30 to see me through until next week. It’s sickening in a way, but at the same time I can see the light at the end of the tunnel. My laundry is top of the list, my rent then a haircut, one mate needs his £75 today another needs his £60..no negotiating there. As sickening as it is, it is a consequence of my gambling I am in this position I’ve been sitting staring the consequences of my gambling right in the eyes for three months. It hasn’t and isn’t a daily battle with gambling urges for me, the life I’ve ended up creating for myself is a battle in itself, a bloody hard one.
Of course it’s easy to have a strong resolve against gambling when you have no money. I’m sure every CG has been in the position of having no money, for days, weeks or months. Then one day from somewhere some money arrives and all of a sudden. Whoosh!. Your mind-set completely changes, gambling from nowhere becomes the order of the day. It owes you. It’s your top priority. Why? Why does that happen, I know it’s not unique to me. Thankfully that is not how I feel today, but I think I know why I’ve ended up like that in the past. I used to harbour the desire deep inside of me, during the dark days of depression paying for the previous binge I might day dream about gambling and how the winnings would get me out of the shite. If I knew the money was due I’d have sleepless nights, butterflies, for want of a better word I’d be gagging for it.
During the last three months I’ve never spent one second thinking of gambling, obviously well aware of what had put me in the position I was in, but not fantasising or looking forward to my next try. I’ve plodded on, had one setback after another. Today’s situation with work the latest on a long list. I’ve dealt with the setbacks by employing a tactic which has always worked for me, talking, getting it off my chest. It’s hard to do at first but it helps a lot. I don’t think a gambling binge starts the moment you bet your first penny, I think it starts long before. The desire just simmers away then with each gambling thought the desire grows and grows instead of simmering it’s now boiling away. I try my best not to let things get on top of me, sometimes they do and that’s when I find it hard to talk….but that’s where I force myself to do just that and when I’ve finished talking I never want to think about gambling. From past experience I know gambling thoughts would materialise if I were to keep things to myself and bottle things up.
Don’t know whether to go back to bed or not. My one set of bedding is having a trip to laundrette at 8am, if I can prise it off.
Geordie.