Hi again Logic, I really see so many parallels in your story and mine (if you feel like it read my post ‘shades of grey 7 years on). I knew next to nothing about CGing when I first came across it and I was completely at sea. When I came on the forum people use to say ‘look after you’ and I use to get so frustrated because I wanted to help him and I had no idea what looking after me looks like, I didn’t until well after he was in treatment not really.
Thing is this addiction sweeps the people around the affected person into its whirlpool and stops them being able to see the way out, the person and the loved one can easily drown in it if they are not careful, it is a horrible place to be, it can sap you of strength and reason.
A lot of this though is the illusion the addiction creates to take attention away from it’s self. The steps for him are simple (though hard to achieve) 1.admit it, 2.deal with, 3.keep mindful it could return. Before he can have a proper life let alone a successful relationship this is what needs to happen, all of the other things he talks about doing can not work without these other things happening, it is the way out of the whirlpool for him.
You don’t have a gambling addiction so you can step out any time, either by ending the relationship or by seeing it how it actually is. Only he can find his exit, try to save him and you will get dragged down with him.
Your steps are firstly to see things as they are not as he tells you they are, I remember my partner telling me our future was the only thing that mattered to him that he loved me more than anything in the world, that he couldn’t live without me to which I replied if I felt like that about having someone in my future I would be banging down the doors of the treatment centre begging them to let me in so I could be free to have that wonderful life I wanted. Actions speak loader than words, watch as much as listen, don’t be swept up by the words.
Next you need to accept, I mean really accept, you can not do it for him and while it may not be his choice to gamble it is his choice to deny it’s a problem. Protect your money, do not enable by helping him out with money or put yourself in a position where his lack of money will effect you. He may complain about this and this is where step three comes in, voice what you need from the relationship, I find writing is best as it makes them have to listen and they can look at it again perhaps in a different state of mind. No accusations, no putting down the man, talk about you. ie I need to be able to trust, I need a safe financial future or in my case it was always I need to protect my child from outside issues, I can not invite them in.
The final step is take a step back, get on with your life and do not step forward again until there are signs of a step forward from them towards their own rescue.
My CG is the love of my life, he means the world to me but I have learned the only way for us to be together is for us both to take responsibility for our own lives. Seeing me strong helps him stay strong and these days seeing me happy makes him happy and builds his self esteem and makes the chances of him gambling again lessen with each day. So you see by not being always available, by having a life, friends, ambitions you lead the way, you show him what a real life looks like and if things with him break down you have something to fall back on.
This is only my experience and how I see things but I hope it makes some sense and there is something useful there.
You are doing better than you think, you are hear, you are listening, you are learning, all part of looking after you 🙂
Lily x