You are of course right, Vera.
Time is far more a friend than enemy. The proof of this is overwhelming. What I’m saying it is also gives one time to forget just how miserable the last bet felt.
It reminds me of my divorce, of which I went through a little over a year and a half ago (after 25 years of marriage – 4 children, 2 still under the age of 11). My ex-wife and I slept in separate bedrooms. We fought constantly about what a bad person she was convinced I was and I was convinced I wasn’t. She insisted I take (and I did) anti-depressants then eventually anti-PSYCHOTICS (stopped taking those in a hurry – if you want to feel real “crazy”, take those). Then she checked-out. Had an affair and finally showed her true colors.
When we divorced it was one of the most relieving days of my life. I left my over-sized, beautiful, comfortable home with a bed, my clothes and a television. Nothing else. Didn’t matter, I was glad it was finally over.
Fast forward to today…I miss a lot of things about my marriage. Time has robbed me of the reality of what it was. I have forgotten most of what drove me (and her) away. Time has enabled me to feel sad….regret, even.
You see, time works in my (our?) favor for both the short-term and long-term. Addiction, painful experiences, etc. cannot be addressed and defeated without time. However, as time passes I somewhat forget the pain and motivation that drove me to begin recovering in the first place.
This is my point. Time is an enabler if I allow it to be. Forgetting the feelings of absolute shame and regret can come back to haunt me with “it’s only a $100 bet, if I lose it, big deal”, kind of thinking. I cannot forget. I cannot allow time to dissolve what was and will always be: I’m a compulsive gambler.
I have to remember:
– When I gamble I financially harm those I love
– When I gamble, I lose who I am and don’t have the right mental capacity to properly love and care for those I love.
– When I gamble I lose myself to my addiction. I am no longer myself, but a shell of myself.
– When I gamble I take chances in my personal life that could end up costing me even more than money.
– When I gamble I want to be dead. Suicide is not out of the question, whether deliberately or accidentally.
Time is my friend, yes, no question. My addiction, however, uses time – thrives on it – wants me to forget what led me to recovery.
With this said, I feel that good news is happening for me now and my addiction better keep it’s head down and stay behind cover, because this time around, God is aiming a high caliber weapon loaded with hollow points ready to pull the trigger at first glimpse. I believe this because He’s shown me that it’s not my time to give up on myself yet. There’s a reason I must keep pushing forward.