Hi Mav,
I can assure you that it is the same for me, and I think all other recovering gamblers. We struggle to understand it because our rational mind says the cons outweigh the pros, it would be crazy to do it, we can never win it back, etc… but our addictive mind says let’s do it anyway, to hell with all the logic.
I am thinking back to 2011 when I first started to kick this thing and I had the same tug of war thoughts, day after day. Why do I keep getting these urges? Why do I relapse? I don’t really want to gamble and I know it will be bad, but I still want to do it! It’s the addictive mind telling us that by going back out it will make us feel better. It will alleviate the nagging thoughts that we “need” to gamble. You are right it is the same as cigarettes, alcohol, marijuana, heroin, etc. That’s why we need all of the blocks and all of the support early on in the recovery, because our rational mind is blocked out by the irrational addictive mind. The addictive mind will win the tug of war every time early in the recovery process. Back out gambling we go, and when finished, our rational mind is more baffled (and defeated) than ever. Addictions take on a life of their own, and need to be constantly fed. If they are not fed, they make us miserable until they get fed.
After being gambling free for a while (I think the timing of this varies a lot for individuals), our rational mind begins to take hold and stand a chance over the addictive mind. Gambling doesn’t dominate our thinking 24/7 like it does early on. We begin to feel better, but we cannot let our guard down and must be vigilant, and must keep all blocks in place. Keep using the 12 steps, the GA meetings, counseling, daily meditations, or whatever other tools are out there.
At this point (again the timing varies for different people but for me about 4-6 months gamble free), I think we can see more clearly gambling for what it is, a psychological addiction. This is where I’m at in the process, without the constant nagging of the addiction, but a knowledge that it could hit me again at any time without warning.
I know now after 4 years of the recovery process, that the addiction wants/needs to feed itself. I know that the addiction deceived me into believing if I gamble it would make me feel better, or somehow solve my problems, or help me “escape” but I don’t buy that anymore. I don’t need to escape anymore.
I know you are going through hell right now, but it will get better if you keep at it. It is probably best that your wife told her friends, because it may help her to feel better, discussing it with others. She is carrying a heavy burden right now. It will get better, and easier, with more time. Hang in there, you do have a bright future ahead! Try to stay focused on all of the awesome things you do have, especially that wife and baby!
Cheers, all the best to you!