Wow, Lily. Everytime you reply i feel like things are so much clearer.
My CG is about to turn 30, i think he has gambled for all of his adult life and is leaned behaviour from his dad and hi s older brother. As for how long he has had a problem or how deep the problem is, its something that has come before me but as he is in denial its not something i know the details of. i know he has had problems as a result of pay day loans, credit cards etc. but he attributes all of that to the struggle of having a child at an age when he wasnt really ready. I’m under no illusion that they are problems caused from the gambling but shows the level of his denial.
The handling of money is something i have distanced myself from for a long time. i have slowed the idea of living together because he needs to sort himself out first. we had a conversation a couple of weeks ago about how he has given up on looking after himself and moving forwards and that is why he stuck in his situation. That is what is leading towards him wanting me to look after his finances.
he does have a thrift in work, where his employer keeps part of his wages. most of the guys he works with use it for Christmas presents and holidays. he has already spent that money more times over in his head than i care to think about.
All of that advice is really useful, and somethings i hadnt considered before so I’m glad I asked. My reasoning to do it from a second account of his it to keep the transparency. I can easily justify the direct debits and the money going in/out and its not “me stopping him getting his money” or taking his money off him, it is his his money, in his account that he is not able to access.
He is massively in denial about his gambling addictions. He looks to his dad and his older brother, who really cant function in a world outside of their own head and because he “isnt as bad as them” i dont think he sees his problems in the same way. when we have been able to talk before about the addicition, which is usually a very small window, i remember a conversation where i said that i didnt want to see him turn into his dad/brother and he said he loved me so much just for saying that about him and seeing something in him worth saving. Thats probably as close as I have gotten to him recognising that there is a problem.
As regards to any kind of professional support, he isnt anywhere near hitting rock bottom, he is pretty well protected by enablers around him, so to get him to go to a rehab facility would never be something he would consider at this stage. 1. as he doesnt recognise there is a problem 2. he wouldnt agree to not see his child for that long. Usual therapy he “doesnt believe in” he sees it as someone telling you how to think and judging him etc. GA meetings, i think it would be similar to his views on his dad/brother – why am i here? I’m not as bad as these guys.
I think he would benefit most from CBT but he needs to want to accept that help and, currently, he doesnt want the help.
I wouldnt be here on this site or still with him if i couldnt see the incredible person he is behind the horrible veil of addiction. As as long as I see more of him than i do of the gambler then i know there is hope. The problem is the longer he suppresses for and the longer he goes untreated, the more likely he will be to go the same way as his family members and I will have lost him forever.
Your messages are always useful and are very clear in relation to my garbled mess of outpouring of thoughts! Thanks once again for the support x