HiJilly,
Thanks for the long and insightful message. I must say that I was amazed by how close to mine your feelings seem to be, I could have written many of the passages myself, to tell you the truth.
One of the parts that really hit home, well, aside from the obvious ones, like being a worrier and a fretter, and wanting to keep the children and the family together, and the believing/wanting to believe the lies, is the one about not wanting to control anyone’s moves and totally losing respect when little rules are circumvented the way they are by little children.
It is just not my personality, I just can’t and won’t control others, I don’t have the strength, the determination in me to do that. Even at work where I put on my work mask, I am just not the manager type, I am a rather successful doer and I can even lead and mentor at times, but I lack the controlling part to allow me to be a good manager, that is why I would not want that in my work.
It is a big problem because family and the few friends who know, do kind of blame me, I mean not directly, of course. I should be strong enough to completely take control and administer money, check receipts on a regular basis, keep tabs on everything. Sound easy enough? Who could not, would not want to do that? Well, I cannot, it is indeed a flaw in my character. I wonder if someone here has managed to successfully do that…
We have tried everything, basically, including different types of therapy, after a couple of times, I hear the same old phrases “It is stupid, it is boring, it is a waste of money, I can do it now, I got this now, you know, it is up to me, I just have to do it”…
Plus, somehow, I always seem to be the pain in the neck in the eyes of others, I am difficult, I am finicky, and guess what, I married an angel, a very nice, likable person, that everyone, and I mean everyone, likes. My own mother kind of blames me and wonders whether I am the cause of it all… Does anybody have a similar situation, meaning being married to that perfect man, or woman?
Sorry to hear about the violence part, Jilly, and I am sure it was hard for you to even mention it, but if it is any consolation I kind of had a little bit of that, too, nothing extreme, but still some.
Was your marriage long gone by the time you decided to file for divorce? Mine has been dead for years, and I mean dead, really dead, we have no contact we don’t even sleep in the same room, let alone the same bed.
Gosh, I have written a lot as usual… Well, how are you doing now, how are things between you and your ex? How are the grownupish children? It must have been hard on them…
Take care and thanks for sharing,
Andi