I am feeling better and better about my family relationships. It’s a slow healing process , especially with my kids. They are 16 and 19 now, and for the better part of their lives, I was a mess. Kids are “show me” not “tell me”. I knew I was setting a horrible example, and that made me feel really guilty. I made empty promises. They came to expect that I would fail again, because hopes had been dashed too many times. It hurt them, and it hurt me. It used to bug me that I had this responsibility to set a good example. I resented it I guess. I wanted my freedom to be as good or bad as I felt like, not someone they thought I should be. I was rebelling, I was selfish.
I have been trying to quit for over 4 years now, and I have slipped up 5 or 6 times over that span. Each time regretting it and vowing not to go back. But more importantly I have vowed to strengthen my relationship with my wife and kids.
I used to jump to conclusions a lot and usually found fault in them at nearly every encounter. There was always something wrong. I have put a lot of effort into fixing these character flaws lately. I listen more. I remember that kids are not perfect and that is OK. I try to let their mistakes go sometimes, and try to remember to praise them. I try to give them ideas without dictating, and share my experiences without lecturing so much. It is starting to pay off, my son has a better attitude and is trying hard to make it in college now. He is more positive about the future. My daughter is taking longer to warm up to me, but I see progress,and we do have good conversation sometimes. And I am feeling better about my role as a family leader and role model. I don’t care so much about my success but really want to show my kids I care about their success and happiness in life. I am trying to be more about them and less about me. I also want to show them I can recover and fight through a big life problem like gambling and come out a better person. I want them to learn that they can do the same if life deals them a big challenge, because at some point it will and I want them to be ready.
Life is good! I just need to remember the good stuff and discard the rest. Accentuate the positive, right? It is way too easy for me to wallow in the negative past if I let it happen. Onward and upward!