Dear diary
Where was I in the past?
When I wanted to gamble, I could not stop myself going to these gambling places.
When I wanted to gamble, when I am at these gambling places, I could not stop myself using all the money on me to gamble.
When I stop gambling, I could not stay stop for long period.
I was still in absolute and total control of everything in my life.
What happen?
I applied for self-exclusion ban to casino, I also applied for self-exclusion ban to participating gambling places not covered by the first one.
I did not let anyone manage my money in the past and I could always discover new places to gamble at places not cover by those self-exclusion bans. I have learnt the importance of setting up another barrier to protect the first one. When I find a new place to gamble, I will not be able to gamble when I want to because I do not have the money.
I have learnt from all the slips and relapses in the past that I was human, and not perfect, I have a thresh hold or tolerant to stay stop to gambling up to a certain limit only and that can be broken.
I started to learn about the 12 steps recovering program, but it could not help me to stay stop for long period because I have a problem applying the program in my life, I could not find a Higher Power greater than myself, a Higher Power that is loving and caring.
Where am I now?
I have learnt from all the slips and relapses in the past that I was human, and not perfect, I have a thresh hold or tolerant to stay stop to gambling up to a certain limit only and that can be broken but it can be strengthen by a Higher Power greater than myself in God and a recovery program like the 12 steps recovery program.
I did not ask anyone to safe keep my money in the past and failed to stay stop for long many times for so many years but after trying in the last 2 years to seek a closer relationship with God, I have become a less selfish, self-centered and self-seeking person. I love my family so much that I am very willing to sacrifice and give them my all. I am now able to give them all my salary minus my living expenses every month and they may use it in any way they like.
Ever since I get to know Lord Jesus Christ, I have become a more stable person emotionally and spiritually. The frequency of my desire to do escape gambling just to find self-relief or self-medication has reduced tremendously.
Best of all, the 12 steps recovering program I have learn in the past started to function in my life after I found my Higher Power in Lord Jesus Christ, everything I learn in the program started falling into place.
I have handed over my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power in Lord Jesus Christ, God has help me to stay stop when I could not.
Daily commitment and practice gave me the hope, strength, wisdom and know how I needed to help myself stay stop one more day longer every day.
I am like a new recovering person every day. Every day is new and no different from my first day in recovery; I still need to do what I did on my first day in recovery to remain clean and sober.
I am a grateful recovering compulsive gambler