when does it become personal ?
When I have left my daughter at home to go gamble , she was old enough to look after herself but there was a black out and she in the dark , scared and crying — that’s when I know I failed as a parent
when does it become financial ?
when I think about the money I have lost, the holidays I have not got on, the savings I don’t have
when does it make me anxious ?
when I see people judging me for gambling, when I worry the bank will look in to my accounts because of the multiple withdrawals from a gambling establishment.
when does it make me angry ?
when I have to live through another two weeks till payday and eat really budget meals to make it only to pay all my bills and then blow the rest unintentionally.
when does it make me cry ?
when I have been sitting there for two hours on the machine trying to get my money back and someone hopes on the machine next to me and gets a big win on the their second spin.
why does it lure me in ?
when it’a hot day and all I want is a glass of wine and a gamble after work.
why can’t I control it ?
Because I can’t , I keep thinking I will win, that my luck will change , I don’t want to be a loser
I’M A LOSER IF I LOSE, I’M A LOSER IF I PLAY
Why do I do this to myself ?
I have really low self esteem, it’s a fake cushion from the real world.
Why do I have so much pain ?
I was bullied at school by girls and it took me a long time to recover, I’m in my thirties and I still think sometimes when I am feeling vunerable that the laughter is about me, the gossiping is about me …
why , why , why ?
who knows , that’s too hard a question