Ok… I screwed up. I’m disappointed in myself. But… Maybe I’m wrong for thinking or saying this but…
Maybe it needed to happen. I felt pretty good for 18 day, gamble free. I actually felt like I was in control, optimistic about life(not winning). I haven’t felt so clean and pure emotionally for such a long time, and didn’t know what I was missing until those 18 days. I bought myself new things ( that money would have gone to a casino). So I now have a couple of outfits,a nespresso machine and a new hair do. All because I didnt gamble. And u know what I’m still enjoying those things and reaping the benefits. And I probably appreciate them more purely because I know where that money would have gone. Don’t get me wrong I cannot continue to spend money as I don’t have the same excess funds ( even though I managed to find money to gamble). I want to better myself so I can be realistic about my spending because I will have real objects infront of me : ).. Point is I’m glad in a way I gambled because it hurt a lot… Emotionally and financially. I can imagine that that feeling would be a lot more intense had I been 6 months clean.. With a bucket of savings… Because, no doubt I would have gambled any savings. So I hope I’m right and not being overly confident but I see it as sticking your hand on a hot stove and saying ouch!! Rather then walking into an incinerator..
I did not like how I felt yesterday.. Today is another day tomorrow will be day three. I hope for just a rocky road instead of an avalanche.
