Dear Mermaid,
I had been looking out for you and wondering how things had been in Cuba and suddenly here you are. I am so sorry you have been through such an ordeal and whilst I try to avoid being too negative for the sake of all the people who are trying to recover from the effects of compulsive gambling, I have to say I am not surprised at how things turned out.
I expect you are still reeling from everything that happened and the awful behaviours you discovered. I remember when things were at their worst that it could all feel quite unreal and I think it is the minds way of coping sometimes. It takes a while to process everything.
Like Velvet, I understood your need to go back and try again.
I know every situation is unique but I try to help others (and myself) by sharing some of my experience – I eventually divorced my husband as you know and now I sit on the sidelines watching him continue to self destruct which is not a pleasant experience but a far better one than letting him take me down with him.
Over time you will rebuild yourself and see things with more clarity. As V says, the aftermath is hard – very hard. Use all the support you can find. I wrote on here quite a lot when things were very bad and it acted as a diary of events that eventually helped me to see patterns of behaviour that previously I was erasing from my mind because they were too painful to recall. I could see the repeated cycles of behaviour and the endless destructive loops I was caught up in.
You are probably having lots of negative thoughts about yourself so I will echo V and say you are amazing and will be even more so as you recover from this terrible experience.
I eventually found a wonderful person to have a relationship with, someone I could love and trust and really take care of – that person was me.
Jilly