Your post really resonated with me as I can see a lot of myself in you. I too work in the financial industry and am generally considered an intelligent and sensible individual with good money management skills. But we all know that gambling completely overrides who we are normally.
I could empathize with all of the emotions of your post, your thought patterns etc. You knew even from your 1k loss and when you were winning that it was just a matter of time. Yet we kid ourselves and just keep on playing. Wanting to win just that little bit more or “play up/down to a round figure”…I totally get it, it’s completely irrational but it’s just how the addiction will do anything to trick us into playing more. You were still up a few thousand after that last website but you got greedy and wanted to win back your winnings. Now you’d do anything to even just be a few thousand down or even. Perspective, perspective, perspective. Addiction blinds us from perspective.
Now with the latest binge there should be no doubt left in your mind that you can never ever touch gambling again, even as “entertainment”. If it helps know that it was only a matter of time. The bomb was always ticking. Even if you did withdraw your 6k winnings at some point the triggers will come back and you’ll most definitely gamble, especially as the addiction will remember those good times and wind you had in the past. It could have been in a few months or a year or 2 but the day of losing it all was inevitable. Your luck will run out at some stage and once the losing streak comes, martingale and escalating your bets to chase losses will see your balance hit $0.
Now grieve the loss, it will take you a long time to accept it but take it slow. A more urgent matter is to take action NOW. Self-exclude from all offline/online casinos you use and close those accounts. Install betfilter/gamblock on all of your electronic devices – anti-betting software helped me go 6 months clean immediately after the peak of my addiction. Call your bank to reduce your card limits.
It would also be wise to seek emotional support during this time. Posting on this forum is a great start but consider disclosing to someone close to you and definitely try going to GA. There’s nothing to be ashamed of many highly intelligent people get trapped in this addiction. It’s not about intelligence but rather your mindset as well as working out what underlying dissatisfaction in your life are you trying to escape from or “fix” with gambling?
Now most importantly…tie up your long term financial investments and DO NOT take out any debt to further fund your spiral into rock bottom!!! I know you have probably already bargained with yourself regarding this…be very careful. Your addiction will tell you 100 different things why you should access those funds or take out loans/credit cards..but you know deep down you’re addiction is not ready to give in without a fight. There’s a part of you that wants to win it all back and take your revenge. You must not fall into your trap. True rock bottom is a lot deeper than where you are now.
Right now the urge to gamble will virtually be unstoppable and every salary you get will go straight into the casino’s pockets if you do not have blocks in place. If you really cannot control yourself consider handing over your finances to someone else or even just cutting up the cards you use to deposit online.
Good luck and most importantly, be patient. Impatience and a need for immediate rewards got you here however such a mind frame will not get you out of this mess. Only discipline, self-control, hard work, patience and a true desire to stop gambling can. Good luck.