Vera ,
I have been thinking about your post and one of the things that kept me from GA for so long was that I worried about other gamblers there who might wear their sobriety like a badge of honour and tell the world about their success.
I was kinda amazed to see that this fits the profile of the action gambler- ( according to the information on Laura’s links)- it is another way of playing the big shot .
Despite keeping my “habit” absolutely secret for years I felt on more than one occasion last night that I could confide in my friends . The good wine may have given me a warmer and fuzzier feeling towards them. It would have given me my five minutes of “focus on me only time”, but today in the cold light of day I’m so glad I kept my mouth shut .
Some people may call it putting up a barrier but in life there are very few we can trust with our innermost thoughts – I told my mum out of necessity – I needed her to know so that I could continue unimpeded with my recovery .
Already I am wondering which of my siblings has she told “between just the two of us and it’s to go no further “.
I’m not sure if this is typical of someone with a gambling compulsion but my mum loves to deflect by talking about others who are “terrible gamblers “.
There are very few people in life I trust – I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve although it might seem like that to others .
I went out last night and my selfish f&f looked after himself like always – he went to bed and so long as his need for sleep as met he didn’t care if our son stayed up all night – (there are reasons this is important right now which I don’t want to write about here).
If I say anything my night out will be slapped back at me – because I am meant to be home carrying the load while he continues with his life that has changed little through marriage or fatherhood .
I am full of anxiety today as the advice regarding my son has been ignored . If I mention it I will just get verbal abuse . I think in truth living with someone like this requires some kind of medication – and if it’s not going to be self medication from gambling maybe I need to speak to my doctor about drugs .
I’m not sure writing about this is doing me any good – one of the best things about my marriage is my short memory for his “faults”- which is the exact opposite of my “score-keeping ” f&f.
Writing is certainly bringing bitterness to the surface – maybe it’s been there all the time – hatred?? I didn’t think I had the ability to hate but I sure am feeling some strong emotions right now .
I want to escape today and bring my son to a place of peace – a home where we can have a relaxed and happy life .
Do I even remember what relaxed and happy feels like ?