I began a task today that I have been actively avoiding for many weeks now. After I had my windfall a year ago I have been working with a financial advisor for 12 months to budgets, help me get my life back on track after 8 years of being in turmoil financially after my accident and to work hard to start to move towards so big goals.
I have my final meeting with my advisor next month and in preparation for our meeting I need to ensure I have my entire tracking in my accounts up to date. Every transaction is allocated, seen, and talked about. Full accountability.
Today I began to reconcile my accounts. The last time I did this was at the beginning of February, when I was not gambling, I had savings for the first time in my life and was getting closer to having a deposit on my own home, within reach.
I cried my eyes out today as I worked through my accounts post gambling relapse, seeing my deposit disappeare in front of me, all my savings completely go into the bottomless pit of the online casino and my overdraft maxed out fully with no room to move for bills and expenses. I cried and I cried and I cried. This is what I have to show for putting in so much work to rebuild my life, from often working 2 jobs to just keep up, from going without anything extra for myself for 8 years.
I have never felt so ashamed of myself in my entire life. And in a few weeks time I have to show a complete stranger my entire failings and then convince them to allow me to sign up for this help and services for another year.
How on earth did I allow myself to undo all the progress I have been fighting to achieve for so long? The more I was losing the harder I tried in desperation to hide it but winning it back. But the losses grew bigger and I am really really struggling to forgive myself for the past 2 months worth of turmoil. As I struggle through each pay day now going without ample food and skimping to ensure I can have enough petrol to get to work I wonder how on earth I am going to turn this around.
I had felt so relieved having nothing to do with gambling for a week now. I’m never going back, I think this has even put me off wanting to ever buy a simple lotto ticket again. If any of my family or friends knew what I had done they would all disown me and be disgusted in me. Heck, I’m disgusted in myself. There’s no hiding it in my accounts now. The one thing I am thankful for is that I am single and do not have to bring a partner into this embarrassing reality.
On Friday I will attend my 3rd counselling session with a problem gambling councillor. And I will also be joining my first group session to begin to face up to what I have done, one day at a time.