Ugh, I just typed (fast!) for half an hour and lost it all by accidentally hitting the control key and being moved off the page! I had typed so much!
Anyway…writing different things now…the cycle…a relapse from my husband, me feeling that my emotional state was too dependent on what was happening with him and feeling frustrated about that, but not knowing how to get out of that, and also me feeling that my husband´s lying and deception around the gambling are gone at the moment, he is very open and honest and wanting to stop. I wish he had the resources for support, but he doesn´t! His gambling has shifted from more like partying binges, although sometimes also reactions to when he was clearly upset, of before, to just when he is struggling emotionally and as a clear coping mechanism. I have been observing myself and my reactions to when he has been out of contact suddenly, wondering and expecting him to have gambled, wondering about the extent of the damage, wondering about being able to trust…and just not wanting to feel so dependent on his state, not wanting to be thinking so much, so obsessively about him. I was in the desert for 3 days camping, which normally I love, and had not heard from him, which was rare, and was just feeling that something had happened and so desperate to hear from him and know. And I felt miserable! The not knowing and waiting for the bad news and wondering if he was just deceiving me were the hardest. And then the mind just questions the truth of so many things…a real snowballing. When he explained the situation (and he had gambled) it was all a relief, just to know. And to see his openness and honesty and him trying to make steps to change and also him starting to work and support himself better (which he needs also for his self-esteem). At the same time I was thinking about my reaction…the relief…the co-dependency of being the helper…again…my role…and wanting to be as aware as I could…over analysing sometimes making my head feel like it is going to burst! So…he gambled, he lost more money (and I am paying this for him to pay me back and also now not buying the thing he most wanted me to bring back from Mexico, because I am no longer convinced of the clear black-and-white of the damage of enablement in the form of paying the debts of a gambler – apart from worrying about my lack of money and mounting debt…barriers, yes…taking away temptation, yes…but letting the cg suffer to hit “rock bottom” when it is clear they already know that it is serious and are suffering enough to know that change is needed…?). I do resent to some degree all this loss of money…and am sometimes angry with him about it, it is extremely hard to have the pressure and lack of freedom, but really I am more concerned about emotional well-being, self care and determining my own path. I have lost so much money already! And I am happy that my husband has more options now for work, even if it is not much money.
So…I am happy for the communication with my husband, which seems to be improving all the time. I think that both of our´s awareness of the patterns around his gambling, and the causes, etc. is increasing and this feels empowering, and I am still taking it slowly. I just need to find ways to not suffer so much wondering about what is happening with him and the possible consequences…and to feel that we can both be more independent of one another too, while at the same time being supportive.