Dear diary
I thought I did very little but what I have learn and realized today was awesome!
There were uncontrollability in my life
1. My Work – I finished my 12 hours shift at 7 am but no one reported to work to take over from me until 2 hours later.
2. My Health – feeling unwell recently, was bleeding and passing blood when I pass motion.
3. My Body – felt very strong pain and body ache after exercise.
4. My Mind – mentally weaker and very stress due to improper rest and lack of sleep.
Today was a perfect day for darkness to strike! Gambling thoughts appear.
I check myself and found out I don’t really care too much about losing all my money at this time, it was not the most important thing to me, I only want the pain to go away.
I was weak physically and mentally, was in pain, felt very stress and suffering. I want to self-medicate, I need a relief fast, I need to escape from the pain and rid the suffering.
In the past, it was almost a guarantee that I would gamble.
I want to gamble today but I did not gamble.
I went to sleep and woke up feeling better after 5 hours.
My Thoughts
At my weakest today, I remember God’s word …….psalm 23
“The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want”
I don’t need to analyze, intellectualize or understand.
I only need to trust my Higher Power, let go of my self-will and obey.
God has save me and help me to do what I cannot.