Tomorrow is the big test for me. I have money landing in my bank. Its been a pretty rough weekend as I spent most of what I had on my last gambling frenzy. I just need to make sure tomorrow and the next day I dont give into the urges to gamble that I KNOW will be come strong. The money sat in the bank account. Waiting. I feel that If I can get through this next week then things on that front may become easier.
It was 7 weeks last night that mum died. I did not think about it. I pushed it away. Watched a movie about Howard Marks (Mr Nice) the hash dealer. True story. It was a decent movie and took my mind off things. Escapism sometimes does work.
Mum would not have wanted us to be all sad. I know that. But our family of 4 brothers and 1 sister we were so close at one time and now are scattered. That in itself is sad.
I am speaking to my Sons mum on skype tonight. Arranging xmas visits and such like. I just want to get through that 1 week period and begin the new year. I dread this period for a number of reasons. None more so than because last year it was all so different all so positive. And now ? well here I am.
My work output has been good. I have almost reached my own target. I have to stick with it most of the day and until around 4 or 5am into Monday. I wont have much left next week but wont owe rent of phone bills and so it can give me breathing space. I know I am gonna need to be strong though. As the online casinos are always waiting for my next deposit!!!!