Today I realise finally that I am crazy.
What definition do I base my diagnosis on?
“Doing the same thing again and again and expecting a different result”.
I have been gambling for a decade and yet somehow I convince myself that the result will be different next time .
I find myself back in the same old situation – waking up and my first thoughts are of money or lack of it .
I find myself going back yet again to the only place I can get a loan due to my appalling credit rating , and asking for enough to survive – it is humiliating but necessary .
It’s humiliating because it Is a work based scheme and the people who run it must whisper ! Beggars can’t be choosers I guess.
A decade ago I could have anything I wanted – now I scrape by with constant worry and stress .
What has changed for me since my recent posts? I guess I have stopped using support .
I have ignored advice .
But mostly somehow I am sure that one more deposit will win me my money back.
I feel sickened -i notice a pattern to my posts -payday and for a week I am so happy – then it kinda always falls flat as I gamble on some rubbish site that is probably completely illegal and won’t pay pay out even if I do win back and even if I managed to cash out .
I have had too many years of this .