Today I am still as full of gratitude to be gamble-free. I am still really happy to have money in the bank (not a lot this month but I can eat !).
Today there is also something new … I can see things with clarity .
We can try to blame ourselves and our gambling addiction on everything which goes wrong in our lives. We can blame ourselves for our relationships being less than perfect.
In truth many of us are escaping from something- whether it’s memories , trauma or very controlling people in our lives – people who could decide at any moment that they want to bring joy into our lives instead of being on their own agenda. Their own agenda means controlling and thinking they know best !
The difference between gambling and not gambling is that we can clearly see things for how they are. Our sight has come into focus.
I now have had almost a week of the latest “moodswing” – the one where someone else chooses to be in a mood and criticises all day long for weeks on end.
It starts as soon as they wake up and I am awoken, regardless of the hour , because of the urgent need to ask me a mundane question about the dog or the heating or criticise something I did less than perfectly !
It then continues throughout the day – I’m lazy, on my phone too much (they never put theirs down), selfish , the world revolves around me , I don’t care about my child, I don’t put the groceries away properly, I’m careless, the house is a mess, I’m a gypsy, I’m stupid, if I had brains I would be dangerous and it goes on and on all day long.
It’s the continuity which makes it seem normal.
I guess when I was younger there were interludes when I was also pretty and there was a sense of pride to be with me.
Unfortunately, the years and ageing have wiped away these nicer interludes!
Despite all I must have always had some sense of self worth because I take it all with a pinch of salt … or do I? I know I gambled for a long time. Was it to escape?
So today I have decided no more ! This person can sort himself out or I will sort the relationship myself! I deserve better – I deserve to either have the peace of being alone or the joy and positive companionship of being in a relationship.
I do not deserve to be a pawn in someone else’s months’ long moods.
People get too hung up on in sickness and in health and forget about the love, honour and respect !
It’s kinda like gambling -one day you just know it’s time to say “no more”!