Yesterday I got some money and surprisingly I was thinking logically, trying to do thing differently. I called a friend and gave him the money and spend only some on food. now it has been a week since I last placed a bet. all this week I was awake at night and today strangely I woke up at 9 in the morning. I guess my subconscious was thinking, I have money so can take me to betting shop…I am glad I could surprise him, that there is no money for him. I do not want to feel like before any more. borrowing money and feeling so down. feeling so embarrass in front of people and family when they ask you if you want to go out for a coffee.I can think more clearly today. although the general anxiety still here with me but I feel better today. I was thinking I never wanted a lot from my life. before I start gambling, my life was going to college, preparing for university and had a part time job. I was really happy, and could put the worries aside while doing my day to day responsibilities. Then when I could not renew my visa, and ordered to leave the country, I started to feel worry and could not continue with my course, left the job, and was advised by a friend to see a GP. From there the sleeping pills, anti depression and illness started. I would not leave my room for days. All I remember that I went and stayed in a friend house, and him seeing me like that, ask me to go to casino with him. I went not knowing what is going to happen there. I was hooked from the day one. I was on £40 a week state benefit and I would play all of that and then start to borrow money to live on. before that I would never ask for money from any one, not even ask for a cigarette. But I guess it is one of the main causes of gambling or addiction, that would search inside you and find the best part of you and focuses on destroying that part of you. what every you believe that is not a good thing to do, It would makes you do that. You become your own worst enemy. What a life. After my situation with home office was sorted out, I was not myself any more. I was not the person who had a view of the future. I was lost, I did not know what I want and where I want to be. I was a gambler nothing more. a person who has nothing in his mind but gambling. I have not been stable enough to keep a relation ship for more that a year. Now I feel so tired. Even if I do not gamble, still so hard to cope. I have to change my belief and the way I think. Only then I would feel comfortable with myself. I need to work hard On my emotional feelings. The past and now. One day at a time, the best option possible for me now. will not gamble today.
