Dear diary
It has been more than 2 years now. The benefits of being sober allow me to run the errands at home, matter that takes time, money and effort. Mum is more than 85 years old, as she loses her sanity gradually, I was just grateful to be around for her and the family now.
Making amend and seeking forgiveness from my siblings, regaining their trust and confident is slowly taking place and happening in everyday lives now.
Is this all really possible if I was still acting out in my addictions. I think not simply because gambling will be my top priority, not loving my family, I will not be willing to sacrifice time and money for them, my interest comes first before anything else.
Watching my mum aged gives me a very clear view of how serious my gambling problem will become in the future if I continue. It was not the sum of money involved in the gambling but how the character defect grow in strength and comes to the surface as we lose control in old age, how it is controlling her life and how the gambling is affecting her behaviors and how that behaviors affect those closed to her. Mum‘s gambling is very small compare to mine, she may only be betting a dollar to five on lottery ticket on Wed, Sat and Sun every week whereas my gambling can runs into thousands, my last relapse in December 2012 add up to SGD$257,000 if SGD$ 126,747 comes from the winning bets and estimated SGD$130,673 comes from the losing bets just for December month alone . I am clearly aware that if what I see in my mum is not ideal now, then I am capable of destruction many times more powerful than my mum.
This is the reward of recovery, it may take me years to make amend and seek forgiveness from my family but I believe there is hope for me now. It is challenging caring for elderly at home, there are many times I knew it could send me back to my old ways, I needed more strength and wisdom to remain still.
God has change me and help me do things I cannot do for myself mentioned in the 12 promises of AA.
Personally I believe, have faith and trust in God’s word and promises in the Bible.
I am a grateful recovering compulsive gambler by the Grace of God.
