These days off are the most difficult. Too much freedom. Lots of unhealthy thoughts. It is so hard when we wake up and face the damage that we have done. It doesn’t help to beat myself up, but it is hard not to. I wish I could erase this past year…the past ten years…and start again. I like what Lorraine said about the journey, so I won’t worry about beginning again, I will continue on with my recovery journey. Doing the best I can just for today.
I am working on not being afraid of the future and to stop fretting about our finances. I must have faith that everything will work out. I am determined to stop gambling, but when I look ahead or begin thinking about the machines, my confidence waivers. I have to stop thinking about those machines! One month, one year begins with today because that is all I have to think about. Time will take care of the rest. I can take today off, relax and do whatever I need to do for my recovery. Or I could choose to gamble. Run myself ragged. Loose the money I take with me. then run to the ATM and max out there. Then get a cash advance from our credit card. then come home in the middle of the night. Face my husband and all the damage done. Cry over a bottle of wine. Hate myself once again for my stupidity and my belief that I can never change. Sounds like fun, doesn’t it? Today will be what it is, but it will not be a repeat of one of my gambling nightmares.
