The Lord is using me …..show how he change me.
3 months ago, I was facing a mountain of debts as usual and the debtors are pressurizing me to pay up, most of early October and November month was all about negotiating payment to them. I was also separated from my female companion and I missed her very badly for many days, the feelings was lousy, near to the point of panic. The worst is still yet to come , on 16th November, I received a letter of demand from a legal moneylending company chasing me for payment , I didn’t borrow from them, it was very upsetting so I reported to the police and found out the letter was fake, it was all a scam. On my birthday, 11th December, mum was diagnosed to be suffering from 3rd stage cancer of the colon, she was schedule for an operation on the 27th December 2013. On the 19th December, I was informed by my company they are not renewing my employment contract due next month. I am going to be unemployed soon. Should I be upset because I did not do anything wrong at work.
My friend in Narcotic Anonymous group used to say …Everything is NOT OK but I am OK.
In the past , I will be very upset, I will struggle with my emotions and feelings , I will sink into self-pity and anger I will try to fix it. I will press the self-destruction button and self-medicate. I will consume alcohol , gamble and look for other woman.
Today I notice I am not the same person. I don’t numb my feelings anymore and when it gets real bad, I pray and speak to the Lord and his messengers. Without the alcohol, gambling and sex, I really feel the pain and sufferings, there was no more escape.
I always tell myself that this pain and suffering feelings will go away. I hate this feelings , I want it to go away immediately but after a few hours they are still here. They only go away when I tired myself and fall asleep, only to return the next day in the night… I am not in charge or in control of my feelings, it can carry on like this for more than a week sometimes. I can feel very helpless and vulnerable.
I like to praise the Lord for keeping me sane, protecting me and giving me the strength to cope with the many disappointments in life now…….l felt the suffering but I did not fix it with my old ways instead I carry them ever since I follow Christ.
