Hi. It’s been a few weeks since I posted.
I remember my support team and councillor being proud of me when I made it to 48 days with gambling. And I told my councillor that I believed I could do this, keep on the straight!
3 weeks ago I began feeling the utter desperation of my finances again, and I searched the web for an online casino that I wasn’t self excluded from and kept singing up until one let me in. The desperation grew per deposit, knowing that I was so close to losing almost every cent I had to my name. And the more that desperation grew, the more I have lost. Again.
It’s all gone.
I woke up with a massive anxiety attack a short time ago and it’s 3am here in New Zealand. I went straight into my casino ac***** and requested an immediate self exclusion ban. As always, the casino were excellent in acting quickly without any push back and it all starts again. How did I let this happen again??? I’ve just lost the deposit on my first home that I know will take me many years to try and save back. I’m in tears, haven’t been sleeping for weeks, and too ashamed to be honest with my group and councillor and feel utterly alone.
Not a single person in my personal world knows I’m struggling and the shame I feel once again is overwhelming. The anxiety is crippling. The gamble-free ***** should now be at 2.5 months but it’s reset back to zero and I start all over again.
God I want this pain to stop. I want to get my life back on track but I’m now considering pulling out of my financial training programme so that I don’t have to disclose to my advisor that I’ve just lost everything. I promised her last time that my last losses were the last and she said she wouldn’t help me anymore if they weren’t.
Rock bottom, hello again. I’m not sure how many more tears I can cope with after 8 years of trying to rebuild my life post accident which has led me to gambling. I truly hate myself right now, but am grateful I have somewhere at least to unload the grief