After reading a few posts today of those who have “made the leap” and are building their lives on their own terms now, with distance from the addiction and the addict….I am here, in the familiar cycle. I know I will be contemplating it all a lot today (while also trying to focus on my work!). My husband was in touch briefly this morning. I plan on returning to Cuba and being there within two weeks…to see how things are and how I go after this time away. I left knowing far less than I know now, but I am not sure that I have much more “strength” (of character?) than I did then, although I have had a far less stressful time and therefore have more energy. He asked me if I would send him some more money to survive on until I get there, $40 or $50…I think $50 is a little high, but he is not living with any relatives at the moment so he is buying more his own food, etc. But…irrelevant, whether 30 or 40 or 50, or…really…it is not a lot of money, but at the same time it is not insignificant and if I pay it I pay it with debt, as with everything I spend at the moment and for the past several months and I am so very careful with money myself (and I had had a lot of savings until I met my husband, and never gone into debt in my life). A week ago when he asked me for money to cover his drinking binge and return to gambling to “treat” his emotional upset I sent it to him, while at the same time (of course) he said he would be able to make bits and pieces of money to support himself now until I got there (and afterwards) and would work to repay it, support himself, etc. etc. It probably hasn´t worked out as well as he had hoped and he can´t make any money, and Cuba is very hard, and he is on parole with very limited options (but his time in prison while not linked to gambling was due to a real lack of judgement and immaturity on his part, even if it was unjust and draconian, he knows his country, and I gave so much to bail him out of further problems and support him through a year in prison). So…he has his life how he has it…he messes up, he struggles…he asks me for help. He says he has a couple of friends helping him, but that he is embarrassed to keep asking, and that he hasn´t asked me sooner for more help as I helped him last week, and before, and before…so he hasn´t said anything. His one peso ran out so the Facebook chat got cut off before I could respond specifically. I had started to say that I had already sent so much, that he was in this situation because of his gambling, that he had blown the money I had sent him to buy an internet card for cellphones there (which is a huge advance) to greatly help me in my work and I had bought a new phone because of this…that if he has money it gives him the option to go and gamble. He of course denies he would use it for that, and of course he believes that before it actually happens…he says he doesn´t have enough money for food…and I believe him. So…me here…as I eat my big breakfast, think of all this. I am thousands in debt and…just, well, sad and anxious, unsure of my decisions and actions much of the time…and he has this life, which I have become connected with. I believe (and choose to, for now) that he truly wants to stop gambling, and that he is trying. And that he would not want to spend the money on gamblling. But he would have it in his hands if..as a couple of weeks ago…something happened that upset him and triggered him to want to gamble. And he is in the situation he is in, asking me, again, for money because he gambles (and because he does the things he does in his life, it is not at all just the gambling, but if I think about it, just about everything can be traced back to the gambling in one way or another). And he turns to me. I know he feels shame to ask. I know he thinks this is better than asking to cover gambling debt because it is for food, etc…necessities…but in a way really it is to cover gambling debt…as he would have money if he didn´t gamble. He would have a nice house, a business…he would be doing well, most likely…or at least those would have been more real options. He would not have left his uncle´s house feeling so let down by them, and they would look upon him more favourably and want to support him.
He does look quite hard …at least…more so recently, after a bad run before I left for Mexico…and also in his past, I know, for ways to support himself…he is a “fighter” and independent…but in our relationship he has become very dependent and I am….feeding this.
I would have told him …was typing that…that I would send him 25 Euros to help him (the minimum the transfer service allows) but his time ran out and it cut off. And this has given me more time to reflect and decide what I will do.
To so many “outsiders” it all looks so simple, I know. No more money. Let him figure out things for himself. This is enablement. Why are you even in this relationship? There are plenty of men in the world. And you are at such an early stage in the relationship and it has all started so badly. Quit now. And I see all this…and what keeps me in it all?…Apart from the usual…feeling sorry for someone you love, knowing that this does not help anyone though…and I like Cuba and the life I could have there (yes, I know…that I *could* have), and I think how he is trying to change, even if his options are so limited. But it is a long journey (I see the emotional roots and it is a reponse he has learned since he was very young…someone likened it to being so hard as it´s like saying you need to unlearn the alphabet or the 2x table, it is all so ingrained), and I need to have my part of the path well defined, to myself and to him.
Yes, I know…the big mess of enabling…
Ugh.