It’s not nice being in your position but I imagine waking up this morning wasn’t quite as bad as waking up after another gambling day.
That feeling you described last week, when you wake up on a new day and for thirty seconds or so it feels normal. But then woosh! It hits you like a ton of bricks “FFS I’ve done it again” that to me was one of the worst feelings in the world but panic sets in almost straight away. For me that would be a feeling I’d want to run from, I didn’t want to deal with my mess. Where do you start. Most times I’d start by thinking of ways to get even more money to gamble with and then I’d be away again. That’s no life man.
I think you’re right to have a few clean days under your belt before you start looking at deeper therapy, because immediately after gambling, if you’re anything like I was, you wouldn’t be wanting to be looking at radical life changing decisions, you only want to get out of the predicament your in..you want your money back, and then you’ll stop. The bloke under the addiction knows without a doubt that its a load of cobblers, but because you’ve been gambling the addiction is still all over you. You don’t think straight, you make stupid decisions.
Its a sickly feeling to have to sell anything, but the more you do it the less of a stigma it becomes, You feel as cheap as shit, and to be honest so you should, I hope that you replace that as soon as you possibly can.
Not every CG goes on to commit crime, but the ones who do, that I’ve met, including myself, didn’t start off as criminals and then gambled the proceeds. We started off just like you. Feeling shit when we’ve ended up selling things, the longer we didn’t address our gambling the more things we sold, the more we done it the less that feeling of being as cheap as shit. We accepted that feeling eventually it was normal. When we had none of our own stuff to sell, we’d steal other peoples. The things got progressively worse. I went to prison the first time for shoplifting and then taking the stuff back for a refund. Not my first offence but my first custodial. The crimes got more and more severe over time. Burglary, fraud and deception. I don’t know how many convictions, I’ve actually had to be honest but well over 50. Mate I was a slow learner.
I’m not saying this will happen to you, most people will get it in control well before then. But I never ever thought I would go that way, its all down to one thing..gambling. You have feelings mate, you have remorse. Don’t hide from them feelings, learn from them.
Fight the urges this week they will come, probably thick and fast. I don’ t know if you read p’s thread but she explains that on some days its too hard to even attempt to get through the day, so instead of 1 day at a time try doing it for an hour at a time if you need to.
Yesterday was a success to you and sleeping til the shop shut was a great idea. The people that own them shops whether its a national chain like cash converters or a local second hand shop, love us sorts of people they love an addict. Well they would, wouldn’t they we feed their families and pay for their holidays.
Mate I always look on the dark side with gambling, I’m really sorry you went back after 175 days, and then even though you battled with it again for a couple of weeks, you had let it back in. Dont make 176 a target, just plod along, one at a time.
Like I said you might not end up like I did, but why take that chance?
Accept it is always always going to beat us, no two ways about it.
Its great its day 2 today man do your best to make sure its day 3 tomorrow and not another day one.
Take care.