Thanks P and Angie for your posts on my thread. It always warms the cockle of my heart when people make the effort to respond to the drivel I sometimes write on here.
I am back in London and sleeping in the car tonight. I have it all organised. I was gonna stay with a mate but he failed to tell me he has to leave at 5:30 in the morning for an early shift, and I would have to leave at that time too. Now I have to be at Monica’s by 7:30 but 5:30 is too early for me to get my shit together. I told a lie and said I had somewhere sorted. No need to worry him. He knows I sleep in the car sometimes. He thinks it’s funny. What’s useful is that his shower is buggered anyway so I asked Monica if I could shower at her place and that’s fine. She doesn’t know I sometimes sleep in the car as she’ll think I do it to have a go at her. the truth is I enjoy it. I actually get a good nights sleep. It’s my car and my space. I have a quiet car park and I get wifi from the local pub. With my inverter I can watch TV on the laptop and not kill the battery.
The last 2 days have been stranger. Have not really been here. Right now I feel much more on top but the truth is I do not trust any of my emotions. I think i was sort of numb for so long gambling I have forgotten what true, real emotions are. I have traced it back to my medication. A few weeks ago I forgot my medication and spent 6 days without it. During those 6 days I started to feel I was coming out of a dream. Then I had a meeting with the doctor who said that was bad. She prescribed me a lower dose. The truth is with this anti-depressent is that the lower the dose the more it makes you sleepy. Since then I have been sleeping longer, deeper, and been really wooly during the days. So I have decided, as I am seeing teh doctor next week, I am stopping again for a few days to see how I feel and how my energy levels are. My reality won’t change but hopefully my approach on my reality will.
There are lots of positive things floating about and I need my full consciousness. I need to be alert to the changes that are about to take place. Finacially I am in a shit position with no or little money coming in and the overdraft almost maxed out. However i will keep faith with my higher power. I feel that things are about to change. If I need to I will speak with my parents about borrowing some money off them until I find work again, which I feel will happen soon. I just need to decide what kind of what I want, and when it comes I need to be on full form.
My heart goes out to those who are struggling to kick this awful habit. I am so glad that even though I could have gambled I truly haven’t. Today is day 118 since the last bet. That is a drop in the ocean but almost 4 months. 2 more months to get the next keyring. I get my next keyring with NA on Sunday evening marking 30 days since my first NA meeting.
I know I am doing the right things but I also know that recovery cannot and will not be rushed. It cannot or it is not true recovery. This will take years. That is a hard fact to take. It will take me a few years to get back on a sound financial footing but hopefully when it does I will be smarter about the way I live my life and interact with others.
I think I do not see the world in the same way as others. I do not see myself as others see themselves. I am going to find out what is wrong with my mind and why I think the things I do, and why I believe the things I do. There is so much for me to learn about myself, and I am happy I am on that course again. Gambling robbed me of curiosity. It blanked me out. All I wanted to do was gamble, play a game which had no end except ruin. I lost I always lost and if I gamble again I will lose again. It is impossible to win. I know that now.
So, to finish, I am grafteful for my health, my parents, my family, my son, the good weather, my overdraft, the fact I ate, I have somewhere to sleep, and I have a future. Which for a long time I didn;t, I only had a miserable present. And that is good.
One day a time onwards and upwards.
All my love
Mav