Your support has helped me today. I wondered how my friend would see it, probably that I have gone down the drain…. the slippery slope and my own worst enemy. Resistant to her wonderful Support and that she was trying to help. There was something so strange in our conversations that I felt what she was saying to me was actually mirroring herself. The conversation wasn’t pleasant. In the gma programme we look at the inner talk, parent, child etc and she was definitely the overbearing parent. I haven’t had one of those in my life. I always react to bossy. I don’t like it. It pushes my buttons. There are better ways of influencing decisions or changing ones behaviours.
Still feeling tired and have a cough again from the cold and getting soaked but it isn’t as bad as last time. I think maybe cutting down on the cigs so radically might have been a trigger for the cough. Going to have a long soak in the tub with Epsom salts today.
I think in recovery we really do have to take it one day at a time.
I know idi when you talk about our work, there is a time when we look at ourselves, ie this is as good as it gets. It is a disappointment in some ways and we feel the big win will solve it all. It wont. It might make life easier in some ways ie better to be miserable and rich than miserable and poor but it won’t change our issues and demons. Pre cancer and it is now nearly seven years ago, I was positive and care free, on the upward rise in the worldly sense and then a big freefall through gambling. But I genuinely do not feel you are at that point in your career.
I have really changed during this recovery period and yet I don’t know the way forward. It is like being reborn in a way, when everything that we were going to do ie for me the colour therapy, in retirement, no longer holds any truth for me. As I spent years training in it, that is just so weird and I wonder what the point of it all was. Reflective as ever….
