Yes, Pete had asked me to do the washing up yesterday but as you know I was in a state of distress. I said to him just now that I was very distressed and didn’t do it. Yesterday he was ok with it, today he is not and just said don’t think you are the only one who’s upset and he views me as selfish ie indulging in my distress. I sort of give up. Not much I can do about any of this. My sons don’t need me ringing up every five minutes, we are fortunate with the eldest if it Is once a fortnight. I actually do t expect anyone to understand how it feels to have crossed the boundary into this self destructive addiction and then to really struggle to find the way back to who I was, which has gone now for ever, I think. Only fellow addicts in recovery. But I do feel,not for the first time, a wrongnessin GA, particularly for women escape gamblers.I don’t sign up to the character defects, which most of the population has. Since when has being very sensitive and losing ones faith been a character defect. I see them as quite natural things. I am sure my faith will return in spiritual renewal at some point. But not there yet. One of the things about me is I am a spiritual seeker of truth. The truth about GA being a woman in it reveals the lack of safety in doing the steps and in some of the interactions. I am going to reflect on this. When I am told you are doing well, my first thought is ‘who taught you to say that platitude? I actually am not doing well the process has put me into emotional overwhelm so I see it a bit as the tools,of recovery are in the wrong unprofessional hands. I don’t think my sponsor, who I like very much, at early thirties, can understand how it feels at sixty in a week or sos timeand to have lived the life I have. I dont think many would understand anyway prattling on, but better than being in emotional overwhelm!
