Idi I think you are right that I am lacking in nourishment. There is also a degree of nicotine withdrawal yesterday which comes on very quickly and I become a tearful emotional wreck. I feel incredibly tired. I could not face group last night. I seem to keep switching from a huge anger towards God and tears to being able to cope a bit. It keeps swinging daily from one to the other as it has for some time. My sponsor texted me to ask how I was. When I said that I was in despair he did not text back. So many people can’t handle it when we re very low, they just don’t know what to do.
I forced myself to go out today for a walk. I am so tired but still managed to appreciate a pink and blue sky at sunset. In my colour therapy These are the colours of a wish so I made a wish for happiness for me and my family. I feel acutely the fake ness of Xmas, the annual spendfest that is man made, whereas real meaning has been lost to materiality. My daughter texted me to say that she is also feeling the darkness. That is how it feels, bereft of light and joy, emptiness, the absence of God, nothingness, hopelessness. Dreaming of good stuff isn’t going to hack it Laura. My reality is bleak, that is how it is. I wish with all my heart it wasn’t so, it it is so.
