It really reminded me of the madness I experienced before I made the commitment to stop gambling.
You ask “what is wrong with me?” I wonder if it has to do with your commitment. Nowhere in your posts do I see that you have taken the basic advice from this site – ie. you have banned yourself from places where you gamble, you have restricted the use of your own finances or turned them over to a trusted relative or friend, that you have sought support from self- help or counselling. Maybe I have missed something. I know people have done the three things above and still manage to gamble – but at least that shows a commitment.
I believe that you are worth more than worrying about where the next few pounds are coming from and how the pay day loan is going to be paid back. I believe your family have had enough pain in seeing what you are going through.
I said in an earlier post that I treated gambling like an allergy that was going to kill me – others maybe able to indulge, but not me. You also have the allergy. You also need to take it seriously so that you don’t become its victim. Commit to stopping gambling – take the basic first few practical steps and let us know how you go on. I wish you well.