To tell you the truth, the last week has been bad. I was home for most of the week and was the largest lump you’ve ever seen. I have lots to do but my mind just wont release me. I’m in a fog. I watch gambling videos on YouTube. I want to play. And then I did. I am happy to report that the bouts did lot last long before I would self exclude, but it was enough to disappoint myself. I didn’t even want to wake up.in the morning knowing how easily i failed the day before and then I saw a movie that touched a part of me that I cannot explain. I am not a religious woman on the exterior, but have a strong belief in a diety that guides our destiny. I watched a movie that had as its core the idea that all men and women are born equal. All good. There exists beings on the earth that are either from heaven or hell and they try to influence individuals one way or the other. I have been feeling like there is something that is controlling me. I dont really want to gamble most times. Hate the thought of it at the best of times. But there is something that makes me pick up the computer. Absent minded. Almost possessed. I cant stop myself even though I really dont want to do it. Dont get me wrong. I dont think that there is a demon making me do it, but there is something coercing me. It’s from inside me and I need to find out why. I believe in the self harm we all talk about. I am harming myself. It’s hard to say. Hard to understand.
I understand about your feelings regarding the employment situation. I feel that I would be in the same state as you given your situation and hope that there is a resolution in your near future. It can be a great source of pride but can also be a great source of aggravation as well. I can honestly say that had my employment not gone so horribly off track 5 years ago I never would have started gambling in the first place. Perhaps it’s best if you heal yourself so that you are the best person you can be for when the situation changes in your favor?
Hope the weekend works out to be a great mothers day for you.