Thanks, Charles, it’s good to know I’m not alone in feeling this much disdain for myself. That you also did at one time.
Safeguards is almost impossible for me. I’m self employed in the retail business. I handle the cash. All of it. I simply have to resist.
It’s the same every time. I go 1-6 months…years even. Then I tell myself a small bet won’t hurt. Broken record.
I hope with every fiber of my being this is the last time. I really lied on this one and I’m afraid I have to continue to lie. I could easily be exposed. Easily. I’m surprised anyone I told even bought that BS. So, so ashamed of myself. The mountain I have to climb…the mountain I created…isn’t going to be easy overcome, if at all. I thought all the other losses were bad. This last outing took a part of my soul, my very being, that I don’t think I could survive another.
I simply have to let the past losses go. I will never get them back. I’d be a fool to think otherwise. I’ve proven that beyond a shadow of a doubt. I have no control over myself when it comes to gambling. Not at all.
I truly don’t understand my thinking when I’m in “chase” mode. It’s like it’s me, but it isn’t. I’m scared of myself. Completely, entirely petrified.
I will continue to post as I have no other person/people in this entire world that would not disown me if I shared any of this. I appreciate the board being available.