Hi Velvet and Vera,
Thank you both for commenting. So last wed things went well, she didn’t go, she did what she was supposed to do and came home. To which I was greatly relieved and proud of her. My attitude even improved greatly for a few days.
Today she will be back in that area near the casino. She’s been hit or miss the last few days with our daily readings/prayers, which she’s been the initiator of. She missed today, but to be fair I have a work issue going on and couldn’t do it this morning like normal.
That being said, some of the other things she came up with doing in order to help keep her out of that place she’s not following through on. For example, where she’s going she had stated that she would take one of her dogs with her so that when she leaves she has the dog and would never the leave the dog in the car while she went and gambled. She does not have children of her own, so her pups are like that for her. Did she take the dog? Nope. Said she’s leave her ATM/Credit cards at the house and only carry enough cash with her for what she needs. Did she do that? Nope, not that that would actually matter, she can go write an electronic check at the casino cage for what she wants and all she needs is her drivers license. She won’t/can’t leave that at home because then she could not travel for work.
So, all that said, we’ll see if she actually stays out of the casino tonight.
In the mean time, Vera I wanted to say that something you wrote really struck me. The whole uncover, discover, recover, and re-discovery process. I know what you’re talking about and for some reason that really struck me the other day when I read your reply.
My frustration for me I think is right now knowing she will be heading to that area where the casino is in the next hour or so and I’m sitting here at home, watching all the dogs, and I so wanted her to do her daily GA readings/prayers, I so wanted her to leave that ATM and extra cash on the counter because those are things she came up with. But why am I angry that she didn’t? Why am I angry that I’m already more than 1/2 way expecting her to go, just by the behavior I’m already seeing. Why am I angry about it at all? You know when someone is already planning in and you know there is nothing you can do to stop it (thankfully my finances are protected so it’s not like it’s impacting my checkbook at all, other than she puts herself in situations where she’s having to rob Peter to pay Paul so to speak to pay her bills). Why am I angry when the behavior pattern and my expectations all match and yet I’m still angry? Shouldn’t it sort of be that I would say ya know what, nothing’s changed so why get worked up over it. Why do I have this expectation that she wants to change that she will change? She won’t do this till she’s ready, and something in my gut tells me she’s not ready yet. She denies wanting to go see a counselor. She hasn’t made her daily routine a priority just yet, and I realize that when you’re first trying a new habit/routine, you miss a few days, but…..
Why am I angry? Is it because she told me once again as she left the house that “I’m not going to the casino, okay? I’m tired and I have a long day and work and I just want to go do what I have to do for this work thing and come home.” But those are almost the same exact words she used the last time she went to the casino? Am I angry because I hear those words and I want to believe them and maybe even a small part of me does, yet something tells me I can’t trust those words yet. Not yet, she hasn’t done this consistently enough over a long enough period of time for me to trust her word yet. Is it because of being lied to? Not purposely mind you, I don’t even think she recognizes in her own head what she’s saying to herself to make it okay to go, yet with her mouth she’s totally denying she’s going. So in a sense, she believes what she’s saying when she tells me that. I don’t think she intentionally tries to lie, or maybe that’s my denial, I don’t know. All I know is, I’m sitting on the edge of my seat, waiting anxiously for the next several hours to go by so whatever happens will be over with. Whether she goes and we go through the cg/non-cg cycle all over again tonight or she doesn’t go and she comes home and is really happy with herself for holding strong for another day. Either way, I’m just anxiously waiting for the night to be over with.
All that to say this, I’m angry, so now what do I do about that? I can’t control this, I can’t make her do the things she needs to do, and I’m angry that I can’t make her. So I guess I need a little “surrendering” and “letting go” myself eh? So how do I do that??
OAJ