Thank you velvet, I only say “we” in regards to phone as if has to pay the money to get it back from a pawn shop, I was going to do this myself as I expected a long road of excuses before it was done and needed it sorted ASAP but he surprisingly has paid it (with gambling money) and I have to get it today but I don’t hold my breath until it’s in my hands. As I’ve said he’s paid the phone with gambling money and whilst I’ve been thru him explaining this does not solve the root of the problem and nothing will ever sort if he is gambling i have to say it’s one of the ONLY times I’ve ever known him to gamble and walk away and pay something important and not gamble the lot. The problem is usually he is unable to walk away even with a win as you will know. He will gamble to the last penny then overcome each obstacle to get money to chase what’s lost and so on continuously but knows deep down he will never win because he’s unable to walk away n no win is “enough”. He’s said he knows this and he needed sort problems forefront in his mind I.e. Phone and now everything else is manageable on a monthly basis. I kno this is excuses and if he had intention of sorting his life he’d start from the bottom up but I hold on to slight differences hoping he’s eventually going to fall in the right direction but I kno now nothing I say or do will affect that and it’s not my job. I’ve tried everything in my power and I’m out now, it’s down to him n him alone and as frustrating as that is and heartbreaking I know I’ve done everything and I need to stop blaming myself and thinking what if. There’s just a huge part of him that’s still here outside the gambling, I get to see him as my partner, as my sons dad and almost forget that part and it hurts that I can’t have that because we all love each other so much or so I think. I’ve doubted everything now as i don’t fully nor never will understand the mind set or thought process or personality traits of a gambler so at times I wonder if it’s all been a lie and if he’s lived n lied so much is our relationship a lie although he protests he’s only ever lied about gambling and anything that has been around covering up gambling but as an honest person I question if someone can lie about these things then could he/would he lie about everything else. I suppose there’s no point in thinking about it but I can’t help myself at times, it’s hard to hear he’s not gave up on us because I need to be strong continuously and remind myself I can not live in this horrible life any longer. It’s just hard to cut off when u love someone although I know that’s what I need to do. I do completely put myself and my son first. That’s the only thing I kno now I’m just disappointed I’ve not been able give him the family I wish I could have. As for the fraud issue he has completely taken the blame and I explained exactly what’s happened and who. He was ready to take that on completely but doesn’t change what’s happened. I just hope I find some peace among this, I also hope he begins to live his life, for so long I’ve fought for us but now I just want us both to find happiness and start living, I hate that this has a control over him. I’m sorry, I’ve completely rabbled from one thing to another. I don’t know the best way to communicate my feelings on this.
Michelle