I am on late shift today so thought I would write and read here.
So what causes me major problems is this demon voice that is like wants to destroy anything good about me, it’s like at work yesterday the voice says to me “just because you work hard and people think you are caring it’s a good job they don’t really know what you are and what you have done , how much debt you are in, what you have selfishly done for years and years and no amount of repentance is going to clean up your stinking soul” as soon as this voice is at me I fight back with I cannot change what is done so go and leave me in peace, at times it is relentless this is what I meant by the negativity always against me wanting me to feel worthless, so I wonder where it comes from and why , I arrive home late at night to an empty dark cold house (hopefully not for much longer Spring is here supposedly) the voice says feel the darkness the cold this is you, your creation you are working to stay physically alive nothing more, so I respond with another voice Lord I place into your hands the things I cannot do for I know that I am one with you….so many voices it’s like I am the bystander split in two observing the battle between God and demons yet completely caught up in it.
What is good writing here is even though I have a thought now of these people will think you are definitely certifiable another says does it matter ?
since I am no longer gambling this in itself has its downfall as I feel like I have to be ever vigilant of my thoughts so I do not get led along a trail that once stepped on I am glued to and I know that pathway is so easy to veer towards, I once had a year gamble free and look what happened, I try not to think of time oh X person has X years X person has X days it’s not a competition it is a way of life the right way to live do my best each day and then time will be irrelevant and the voice that tries to say don’t think I won’t get you again at some point will be the stupid one, today I am in charge with God,s help it does not matter if you do not believe in God or any spirituality but am sure that everyone believes in the power of ‘the good’ and the law of attraction ie what you reap you sow, I guess I have to accept that my inner has many weeds that have implanted over many years and it is an ongoing gardening project for my flowers to more plentiful than my weeds seems to be far quicker for weeds to flourish in my garden.
As I said earlier Spring is starting a time for renewal and it’s all free (recovery)and I am entitled to it.
Very best wishes to all and I wish you all rest and freedom from the pain of compulsive gambling trust and obey your good x
