Thank you for your kind words lizbeth and p, I know from my many years of relapses that this feeling will eventually fade. It’s the fact that it will keep intermittently happening for the rest of my life that scares the hell out of me.
There’s nothing I’d love more than to tell my partner all about this horrid addiction, I just cannot find the courage. I love him so much and want nothing more than to make him happy, but him finding out that I have lied for months will surely make him hate me. That’s if he doesn’t already. I’ve been so consumed in my shame and guilt that nothing else has entered my thoughts.
There’s so many things that I want for my future, but I just don’t believe I’ll ever be able to stay in control for long enough to make any of them happen.
I’m all alone. Nobody knows what’s going on with me and I just don’t have the courage to tell anyone. I’m so scared, I feel like I’ve either got to carry on through life lying and suffering or just end it all somehow. I know it’s cowardly, but I honestly feel like I have no other choice.