Thank you for the support. I’m a compulsive gambler, my MO is binge. I know the drill. Barriers, barriers, barriers! I’ve set up new ones. I also have hobbies that I’m passionate about and sometimes my trigger can be getting away from them even though I love them.
My number one trigger is the financial mess I’ve created. That’s why, for me, not gambling is not thinking about my debts. One day at a time.
Sometimes I want to shoot myself but I feel I’m not ready to go yet. I also wouldn’t know where to buy a gun which is good. I’m 40, female, single, no children.
I’m grateful that I still have a job that can service my debts. That this disease has hit me in my thirties after I finshed my masters degree. That I still have a roof over my head. That my career is still ongoing after 15 yrs.
I’m devestated because I piled up so much debt. That I feel guilt, regret, shame. That I still keep doing this to myself. That I can’t stop. That I sometimes can stop but don’t really want to and so many other things.
I hate the gambling industry. It’s a big fat lie. No one can gamble responsibly. Those that can, give it one try, loose and never come back again. Fine, take 40 k give me back 10! I would sign this any time, any day. However, the bastards are greedy pigs, worst of the worst, they will take your last penny and throw you under the brige for what they care.
My favorite time of day is the late evening, an anxiety pill and watching a movie while the medication’s sweet lullaby drives me to sleep.
That’s how I cope with myself. My laptop, no thinking about debt and an anxiety pill.
I’m really fucked up.