Thank you all for your posts. The annoying thing is that I know what I have to do, I am just running away from it. I can’t face the music, which is that I have ruined my life and my wife’s life. That is such a heavy burden. I am glad I am not gambling, but that just means I see it all really clearly now, what I should/could/might have done if only I hadn’t been preoccupied with gambling. I remember while I was gambling saying to myself ” stop this, or you will truly —- it all up” but somehow I managed to ignore that voice. That just led to the depression and avoiding reality increase. I realise now I haven’t enjoyed playing online poker for years, it was just an addiction which I was unable to control. It controlled me, dominated me. I accept now I am a compulsive gambler. I don’t gamble for fun, or pleasure, or to win. I have no control when I start and even now memories of the gambling dominate my mind.
I think it is time to let it go.
Tomorrow I am going to do 5 things:
1) Make my wife redundant
2) Contact HMRC re our debt and find out how we can put them on hold while I go into treatment so that if I want to restart the company when I come out I can
3) Pay some more bills and contact my accountants to let them know the score (and also discuss my debt with them)
4) Complete the budget breakdown for the client
5) See my psychiatrist at 1pm to discuss my mood swings, suidal thoughts and my medication
If I achieve these 5 things I will have had a great day. There is no reason why I can’t.
Thank you for your support, it means so much that there are people out there who, even though you do not know me, you care. I dream of the day that this lifts, I am earning and have my dreams back. I have about 30 years of working life left if I retire at 72. Then I want at least 15 years retirement and die at 87. I’ll be satisfied with that. To do that I must start excersicing and quit smoking. I am going to try and do both tomorrow. I have quit smoking before so I know what it entails.
I need to focus my mind and when the negative thoughts intrude, deal with them. Accept them. Accept they are not me, they are ghosts, they are not the truth. I am worthwhile, I have value, I can contribute and more importantly, since this has not killed me, it can only – in time – make me stronger.
Love to all, I hope to hug and kiss you all in person one day.