Hello Vera, thank you for your enquiry as to how I am doing, very kind of you.
I am still gambling free, although I think the not gambling is the easy part, believe it or not. I am having great difficulty in dealing with other aspects of my life, so so tired all the time, completely drained and since my doctor doubled my anti depressant medications just over a week ago, even more tired, am not sure if the side effects are worth it but I am trying to persevere for the time being. I am off work at the moment and have been for the past five weeks, and right now I have no idea how I am ever going to be able to go back, which in itself is a huge problem as due to my financial mess, that will make it even more problematic than it is already. I have an awful lot of areas in my life that need addressing, so many things that I have run away from for years and I am at least at the stage of recognising this although that does not make it any easier to face these things, so as usual on hold hidden away in some dark place that I really don’t feel strong enough to visit. My biggest concern is that many times in the past, over the years I have stopped gambling for months at a time the last time prior to this was six months. I have destroyed myself constantly over the years, each time believing this was it, no more! Yet, I again find myself in the cycle of stop start, this time though I would say it is definitely the closest that I have ever got to jump off bridge time, as I can not continue with this pain, despair, worthlessness, guilt and hopelessness cycle any more, I am trying to solve the reason for the need to always run, always hide, always escape. I am struggling with the thoughts of no matter that I no longer gamble, no matter that I am trying to overcome this addiction, the damage has been done and I really have not a great way forward, unfortunately. What an absolute idiot I have been all these years, prior to this I lived a normalish (lol) life and no matter what folk tell me the reality is that has gone forever due to the chaos and mess I created, well done me. Anyhow despite all of this, I am here reading everyone’s stories and for the NOW which is all I have for sure I am not on that horrid rollercoaster of the gambling demon. May we all be well and free from this hideous addiction. God bless you all.
