It was another wave of attack!
Something was not right with the chemical or hormones in my body and head. I was feeling the urge to do something again!
I knew that I was struggling with a strong urge to do something and this uneasy feeling is not going to go away unless I do something. I become very anxious and consider gambling, alcohol, or food.
This is WAR!!! I was fighting a mental obsession. I was resisting the urge to press the self-destructive button. I was standing still by the road side feeling very anxious telling myself the consequences of acting out.
By the grace of God, I saw a wheelchair bound man heading towards my direction and pass me. He was a God send messenger and life saver to me. My feeling changed immediately after I saw him, I immediately calm down and peace return to me.
I was curious and wonder where is this wheelchair bound person going. It took him so much strength and effort just to push the wheel on the wheelchair to go anywhere. He must have to think very hard before deciding to go anywhere every time.
And here I was struggling to make the decision to go somewhere, I was so UNGRATEFUL. I was not grateful to be able to go anywhere easily.
After I remember to be grateful, I was contented and satisfied to go anywhere or NO WHERE.
Why I must I go somewhere tonight? Why is my urge to go somewhere or anywhere so strong? why am I losing my peace and feeling uneasy?
Why am I not contented, satisfied and peaceful to DO NOTHING!
Thank God! I choose to go to a nearby shopping mall for a walk and do nothing else. When I was feeling satisfied and contented, I just head home.
For many years around February or March and October or November every year, my relapse was always around the corner. It was as predictable as the seasonal big HURRICANE that turn my life upside down. I cannot adapt to drastic change in the weather and temperature very well.
Lately I have been very focus on placing God, and family first before myself that I have forgotten about the seasonal Hurricane in my life that was passing by.
There was progress. I learn to DO NOTHING when the HURRICANE was here, I didn’t abuse gambling, alcohol and food tonight.
I was CONTENDED and SATISFIED to go nowhere and DO NOTHING
Surviving One Day At A Time