i am beyond the suicide. thank god. it still enters my mind ebery now and then but you are right. i want to get rid of this person i have become. its not me. and i feel like i am rotting from the inside out. it exhausts me and i feel like i have put my husband in a position he doesnt deserve to be in. we should be planning our retirement. instead i am in a constant state of anxiety. i have joined GA, banned myself every where that i can. there is one casino that was grandfathered in and they dont do bans. that is where i was going when i would get overwhelmed. if i was alone i would file bankruptcy and start over. but its hurting my husband that concerns me more. i dont want to lose him and i know that will be his choice. i cant force him to stand by me again. once i get up the courage to tell him, i can move forward.
